charcoal renderings.

The Glorious Adventure: Part The Second

2012-01-21T16:23:00.002-05:00

As of this post, I now have over 50 followers! That feels like such a milestone to me, compared to when I started this whole blogging thing with no hope that anyone other than myself would actually read it. So thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who subscribe and comment and share a little piece of your lives with me. This community is something I am very thankful for and I appreciate your presence in it.

Teaser Trailer - Part The First

It's time, ladies and gents. Prepare yourselves.

Friday -- December 30th. We have lift off.

The Man and I began our glorious adventure to Universal Studios in Orlando bright and early.

I'm really attractive and really excited at seven in the morning.

The Man was not awake enough to understand that I need an epic picture of him driving. So I just got a sort of slack-jawed fish face.

Because if you're going to be driving for around eight hours, you need fuel. Early morning hot chocolate and frappucinos for the win.

The sky was just waking up, too.

We had a pretty nice drive. Mostly me screaming, "WHOOOOOO!!!!!!! HARRY POTTER WORRRRRRLLLLDD!!!" every five minutes and The Man responding with a resigned, "Yes, baby."

So after we played The License Plate Game and paid very seemingly unnecessary tolls to get into the city of Orlando, the excitement and knowledge that we were basking in seventy-degree weather for the end of December finally settled in.

LOOK AT IT. SUNNY SKIES AND HARRY TELLING ME TO BE EXTRAORDINARY.

We got to our hotel around four-ish in the afternoon and took some time to chill and shower and semi-nap. Sitting in a car all day, being excited, and going over Potter trivia can be exhausting.

Friday night we decided to hit the town! Orlando was hoppin', people everywhere, neon lights a-blaring, and even boardwalk-esque attractions were on every street corner. We had a full three days of theme park amazingness ahead of us, so we wanted to treat ourselves to a nice dinner in a restaurant where they served fancy delectables like mozzarella sticks and mango margaritas to get us started with a bang.

And guess who we happened to dine with there!? None other than the fabulous Alice, who just so happened to be in town on super-secret-international-spy business. This is the first blogger I have had the pleasure of meeting in person, and she's not even creepy at all! Mainly just fantastic and full of super-secret-international-spy knowledge. Yeah, that's right Greenland, I know all your dirty little secrets now.

I do enjoy sharing the company of an attractive-even-when-anonymous lady.

We had a lovely and luxuriously languorous time eating and drinking and laughing. All too soon, The Man and I were feeling completely exhausted after being up for so long from the day of travel, so we bid adieu to the nicest super-secret-international-spy you'll ever know, and headed out to hit the hay.

While driving around the bustling city, I was struck by how strong the presence and meaning of where we were was. Exactly a year ago I had been in that same town, feeling the same exhaustion and excitement, surrounded by friends that I loved, looking forward to the same journey through Universal's theme parks while we rang in the new year.

We were here. We had done it. All year long, I had been musing on how amazing it was to spend new year's, my personal anniversary of freedom, somewhere so out of the ordinary and wonderful. And I managed to save up and make it happen again, this time with the person that I most wanted to share that experience with--The Man who helped me understand that my heart could indeed flex to reach out to someone again.

Surrounded by obnoxious car horns, hundreds of loud people crossing in front of our hotel window, the neon fluorescence chasing away every shadow--I felt so at peace. This year had been hard, so full of doubt and worry and anxiety. I had just finished a very painstaking and exhausting run of RENT; I had been so sick I couldn't breathe or move without wanting to cry over Christmas; I felt like Christmas didn't even have a chance to really happen, I didn't really get to experience it before it was gone; and I was just so tired. So ready for something new and different, so ready for peace and serenity. I went to sleep that night with the beautiful hope in my heart that, starting the next morning, I would be once again free and without shackles. I had the best night of sleep I'd had in a long time.

Up next in the Saga of the Glorious Adventure...

Look! I'm Finally GOOD At Something!

2012-01-14T12:00:00.002-05:00

I promise, next post will be about Harry Potter World. I cross my heart and hope to die and end up in heaven, which is right back at Universal Studios in Hogsmeade. Word.

I just had to let you guys know.

I had my interview last night for a teaching position at an acting studio downtown. If you follow me on twitter, you've seen this news already, but this job sounded so great, and I really wanted it, and even since Christmas we've been going back and forth having to reschedule the interview because I was sick as death and then the interviewer had something happen and it took like three weeks and a bunch of emails and phone calls to get to meeting last night and so FINALLY we got together aaaaannndddd...

I got the job.

I. Got. THE. JOB!!!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was so amazing, Michael Mario Good, the founder of the Good Acting Studio, told me a few minutes after we sat down that he already made up his mind that he wanted to hire me for their team. He said that the way I handled everything about the rescheduling and being so flexible, in addition to my resume, just made him feel like he wanted to work with me, and then after he met me, he just knew I'd be a great addition to the team. I even stayed to help him teach a class immediately afterwards last night, and he went ahead and gave me a little money to compensate me for staying and doing that.

I'm in awe. I was on the verge of crying thousands of tears of joy all last night.

Things are finally starting to come together. Finally.

It's been such a hard journey this year, with so many almost-successes and so much actual-disappointment and I was questioning my sheer ability to make it in this industry--then new year's rolls around, I feel myself refreshed and rejuvenated, and I take a completely different attitude going into 2012. It's not about the number of callbacks or jobs booked or whatever. It's about being happy. I just want to stay in the game. I just want to keep learning. Keep going after what I love.

And I think it's working.

And Michael, just from our one meeting, is so amazing. He's incredibly kind and genuine, and the guy has done everything under the sun already, gotten his MFA from going to URTA in Chicago (which is what I'm doing in February), performed off- and on Broadway, and now he's got his own studio. And the story of how his studio came to be just broke my heart--he lost his little brother to cancer a couple years ago. Three days before he passed, his little brother told him he had to open his own studio, because he knew how much it would mean to Michael. He said that if Michael did that, he'd be there, whether in person or in spirit. And Michael feels like he is. It's incredible.

I am so excited to be working with this team. Michael even signed me on to continue teaching the Friday night class with him because last night was such a success. Talking to the parents who came to get their kids was also wonderful--you can really tell the worth of a place when a mom can't stop talking about how much of a God-send it's been.

Walking out after the class, Michael told me I ended up being such a blessing. I believe it's true the other way around. This feels like the right fit, the perfect engagement. I'm just so happy. I feel like I've finally gotten somewhere. I'm finally working and getting compensated for doing what I love.

I'll let you guys know more as we get things worked out, but around mid-February is when I'll start taking on more classes on my own. If you're in the mood for some awesome fun and you're in the Atlanta area, you should definitely come check this place out. And I mean, which of you wouldn't want to take an acting class from me? Seriously, peeps. Let's be for real. :-D

Go check out their website and see how great this place is. I'm just so excited to officially be a Good actor, and a Good teacher. :-D (I love the word play.)

When Things Attack

2012-01-11T12:06:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I get your appetites all whetted with spoilers for my Glorious Adventure and then I take a week to follow up. I'm sorry. I promise more installments of the Glorious Adventure to Universal Studios will be making appearances this week. Things just did that thing where all things become Things Seeking Attention Now And Not Later all at once, and then I was surrounded by and drowned in Things.

I've been slow to write this week because a) I've been busy with all of the Things I mentioned, and b) my mind has felt a little unhinged, and I wanted to take some time to examine what was going on in my self. It got so bad yesterday that I had a full-on panic attack in my office at work. Not the most pleasant of places to be when all you want to do is run around screaming bloody murder and tearing wood boards from walls and smashing car windshields and finally exploding into a combustion of angry flames.

If there IS such a place where doing these things would be pleasant and even welcome, you guys should probably get me that number and address.

It was one of those instances where a tiny little catalyst that shouldn't have mattered set things into motion and it snowballed into something wholly unmanageable and terrible. I've been feeling the tendrils of that monster Anxiety licking at my fingertips and toes recently, but I focused on keeping it at bay, retaining my focus and my drive. But such a monster is not only patient, he is also vicious and cunning, and will subtly sneak up on you until you don't realize how close he is until he's inside your rib cage, settling in nicely between your heart and lungs, the space that used to house Hope and Peace of Mind.

I broke down so wholly that I felt like I was drunk--my mind had disconnected from the stable plane of thought, and it was as if my head was spinning, my ears had a rushing in them, and I imagined I was spiraling, the liquids and matter in my brain wildly circumscribing the inside of my skull, I was so dizzy. I would look down at my body and know that it was mine, but not know that I was connected to it. I would watch my hands move, palms turned up, fingers flexing, and I wouldn't know how they got that way, even though I felt intuitively that I must have been controlling them. It was very wild and scary and I was completely useless to try and complete any actual work, because sitting and staring at the computer screen made me feel as if I would turn to stone. I felt so disconnected from my body that I literally felt that if I sat still long enough, I would just fade and disconnect, and my body would stay in that position forever, frozen.

I do not suffer panic/anxiety attacks often. Ever, really. This felt very new to me and yet horribly familiar at the same time--it's been years since I called the darkness in the space where my Hope and Peace should have been 'Friend.' I didn't like it. I pray it does not happen again.

When The Man was listening to me crying over the phone, he asked what was wrong, and all I could say was, "Everything is wrong, I'm doing all of it wrong, I'm trying so hard to get it right and it just keeps being wrong, all of it." That's the only coherent thing I could take away from yesterday--the thought that everything I'm pursuing in my life right now is, in a word, wrong. The drunken separation from myself made it that much worse, that all of a sudden I was terrified of and hated the thought of my applications being sent off to grad schools and all of the things I was currently dealing with were failures and I just couldn't handle the humiliation, the disappointment, that everyone I knew would know that I had been so incorrect. It made no sense.

An amazing friend that I talked to about this with yesterday, who has experience with this herself, told me that usually when that kind of anxiety sets in, it means it's time for something to change. Something in your routine, your lifestyle, whatever--it's time for something to change for the better. I don't know what that is for me just yet. But I'm keeping my eyes open.

Today I feel better. More put together, less dissected and apart from myself. I have that feeling of being sore after an injury, where your muscles are aware of having been harmed and they've started the process of knitting themselves back together and it aches. I'm taking my time on things and allowing myself to have breaks where I focus on breathing and knowing where/who I am.

Admittedly, I have been siphoning an awful lot of Stress and Overwhelm and I Hate Everything away over the past couple of months. It was bound to clog the pipes and come back up at some point. If you've ever suffered from anxiety, you know how crippling it can be. It's so crafty, it sneaks up on you, and stabs you from behind after it corners you. If you struggle with anything like this now, I offer my empathy and my ears if you need to voice it to a friend. I'm going to just take it easy today and look forward to moments of Peace and Joyful Relaxation that I hope are soon to come.

Take care today, friends.

Tell someone you love them. And mean it.

The Glorious Adventure: Part The First

2012-01-06T11:41:00.002-05:00

Before I get into all of the awesome-pretty-pictures part of my Epic New Year's Adventure, I wanted to share with you the game The Man and I played while in the car--it's called The See How Many License Plates Are From Other States And Write It Down Game.

Here's the deal: Orlando, Florida, is one of the most visited cities like, ever. EVERYONE goes to Disney World or Universal or MGM for vacations, and especially in the cold winter months, those from the northern and midwestern parts of the country travel to warmer climates and beaches to get away from the heart-stopping chills of their hometowns. Last year, we saw so many super-far-away license plates that I decided this year I wanted to document the ones we saw. Because people seriously do come from all over to go to Florida. Last year, we even saw one Alaska plate. That's serious commitment to warmer weather, my friends.

I had several goals for this year's License Plate Extravaganza: I wanted to see more provinces from Canada than just Ontario (Canadians travel to Orlando A LOT), and I wanted to see more than 30 of the contiguous United States represented. And I'll be damned if we didn't hit both of these goals, plus a BONUS! I'll split it up into three categories for you: US, Canada, and Other. (Yes, there is an Other.)

The following lists are plates we saw on the way to Orlando, while driving in Orlando, and on the way back (incidentally, only the very last US plate was a new find on the way back. All others were seen pre-Orlando and in the city itself).

In the order in which we saw the plates (and not counting the car we were in)...

U.S.!

1. Michigan
2. Florida
3. Virgina
4. Georgia
5. Delaware
6. Oklahoma
7. Massachusetts
8. Tennessee
9. Maine
10. Illinois
11. Missouri
12. Indiana
13. Wisconsin
14. Minnesota
15. Kansas
16. Kentucky
17. North Carolina
18. Iowa
19. Nebraska
20. Ohio
21. Colorado
22. Oregon (Dedication Award!)
23. Pennsylvania
24. Texas
25. New Jersey
26. South Carolina
27. Louisiana
28. Arkansas
29. South Dakota
30. New York
31. Maryland
32. Mississippi
33. New Hampshire
34. California
35. Rhode Island

Canada!

1. Ontario
2. Manitoba (That's one I hadn't seen before.)

The next category is Other, and it needs a little explanation. This car was in the next lane to right of us, and we were going faster than they were, so I had to look really quickly to catch the name of the plate as we drove by them. I only got one glimpse as we passed, and I was sure I had read it wrong or something, because I saw two very scripty-looking words that I couldn't really tell if they were in English or not, but the top long word started with an "N" and the bottom shorter word started with an "L" and I looked at The Man and said, "I feel like that might have said Netherlands! But it didn't look like Dutch... And why in the hell would someone from the Netherlands get over here to drive to Florida in their own car??? Ferrying your car across an ocean has to be expensive!"

You can see why I was confused.

Upon some further inspection, and by "inspection" I mean Googling, I have come up with the answer to this quandary! It was NOT, in fact, a Netherlands tag that I saw, but a Newfoundland and Labrador tag--which is Canadian! Newfoundland and Labrador are an island-and-mainland combo province in the upper most eastern corner of North America--they are basically next Greenland which is basically next to the North Pole which is basically the end of the earth. No wonder they wanted to get away and head to Florida for the winter. Those people drove several thousand miles to get to Disney or wherever it was they ended up. So here we are, with the winners of the Super Dedicated Florida Vacationers Award:

Other, Also Known As Canada!

1. Newfoundland and Labrador

I am truly amazed. We hit all of our goals! Thirty-five American states and three Canadian provinces. Orlando is the place to be, my friends.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Emma Harr and the Glorious Adventure!

Teaser Trailer

2012-01-04T11:26:00.001-05:00

In a world where nothing is what it seems, the lines are just a little too long, and the food is always over-priced...

...one girl will make this new year's eve an experience to remember...

Emma Harr and the Glorious Adventure

Coming Soon to a Blogger Feed Near You

What Matters Is The Epilogue

2011-12-29T23:07:00.000-05:00

Today's post comes to you in three parts.

Are you prepared?

ONE) This is our bad-ass Christmas tree on Christmas morning, complete with presents. I am surprised I was able to take a good enough picture, since this was the morning of my most zombified-ness. I am still currently a DayQuil-chugging/cough drop-hocking zombie, if you were wondering.

TWO) I got my huurrsss cut. You like?

For most of my life, I have been growing my hair out long, and then chopping it all off in one fell swoop so that I could donate it to Locks of Love, an organization that takes hair donations to make wigs for cancer patients. This is my fourth time donating about a foot of hair. I'm a hair factory! Hooray!

THREE) I leave for Orlando TOMORROW. As in, THE COUNTDOWN IS OVER AND IT'S ALMOST HERE AND NOW I'M JUST CRAZY EXCITED AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! The Man is here with me, currently sitting beside me, doing stuff on his laptop while I compose this on mine. (We are the modern American twenty-something couple, after all.)

But the time has come, folks. Tomorrow, we will arrive in our fancy hotel in fancy Orlando after a fancy 8-ish-hour drive and it will be glorious. The glory will only continue to become more glorious as we get up hella-early Saturday morning to get into Harry Potter World early and have a free breakfast at The Three Broomsticks Tavern, before we spend approximately seventeen-plus hours riding roller coasters and being awesome before midnight, at which time we will be standing in Hogsmeade square, butterbeers raised, toasting the new year.

I'm so ready.

And don't worry, all you gluttons out there, I'll post pictures.

EPILOGUE) This is actually a very serious piece of news. Late last night, I found out that a very good friend of mine from college lost both of her parents and her two younger sisters yesterday morning in a house fire. What is believed to have been an electrical fire started in the middle of the night and spread throughout the whole house. Firefighters arrived just before 5 AM to discover the entire roof caved in and the whole inside of the house blackened and gutted. All four of her family members were found dead. There were no smoke detectors in the house.

I have been in a state of grief ever since finding this out. I cannot even fathom the amount of sorrow and anguish she and her surviving siblings are facing right now. To lose both parents and two sisters in one night... and to something that is so out of the ordinary and random and terrifying. I've been bursting into tears throughout the day today, just because I love this friend so much and it's just such a horrible thing to have happen. This is something that won't just get better and go away--it's four lives lost, and her life is forever changed because of it. Several other of the dance alum from school and I have gotten together to send flowers and to donate to the memorial fund that has been set up for my friend and her siblings. If any of you are at all interested in contributing something to this fund, just let me know, and I'll get you the information.

And the big "what-if"... The fact that they didn't have smoke detectors in the house just makes me sick. If they had had them, would things have been different? I want to encourage each and every one of you to check right now that you have a smoke detector in your place of residence, and that it has fresh batteries in it. Keeping these up to date is a habit you need to get into--it can save your life.

My friend is an incredible, beautiful soul. She has always been so genuine and loving, and it just kills my heart to know that she is dealing with so much pain right now. If any of you pray, please take a moment to send up one or two for her and her family. If you prefer to send out positive thoughts, those are more than welcome, too.

I love this community dearly, and I am so very lucky to count those of you I have gotten to know as friends. Please stay safe this weekend while you celebrate the new year, and do take a moment to check your smoke detectors. This kind of tragedy should never have to happen to anyone. I love you all.

Theft Isn't Wrong If You Get Permission First

2011-12-27T21:14:00.000-05:00

Totally stealing this from the lovely Miss Alice, because I always enjoyed doing this types of questionnaires in middle school, where the questions were like, "What's your favorite type of ice cream?" and depending on what you answered, it predicted your future husband. You know you did those, too, don't even play.

2011 in 30

1) What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

Told a boy I had feelings for him without knowing whether he had them for me. Got a talent agent. Was an extra in a movie, and got paid for it. Applied to grad school. Flew on an airplane up the coast by myself.

2) Did you keep your New Year Resolutions?

I'm pretty sure my new year's resolution last year was... just not to quit. I had graduated college and was tackling professional theatre with all the gusto I had. And I just kept telling myself not to quit. Instead, to learn. To get better. I think I've done a pretty good job of that, even if it has been really hard at moments where I wanted to do was say "sionara" forever.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?

Some people I knew from high school but who I don't talk to anymore did. So, no.

4) Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thankfully.

5)What countries did you visit?

Uh... this one.

6) What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A paying job in theatre that lasts longer than a day. More confidence in myself. More drive and peace to take that confidence and really make something of it. A place of my own.

7)What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Well, last year's new year's celebrations were pretty spectacular. Midnight butterbeers in Hogsmeade; spending new year's day at Universal, riding roller coasters with some of my best friends. And April 30th. April 30th was a pretty big deal. (I'll give you a hint: that day involves The Man.)

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to trust the process of new love. Learning to take the doubt I had in myself and turn it into something useful.

9) What was your biggest failure?

Huh. Not spending enough time with my friends, telling them how much they mean to me. Not doing the same for my family.

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?

Pfffft. Are you kidding? Aside from the stupid stuff like the cold I am currently suffering from, I have two cysts and carpel tunnel in my right wrist (still don't have the funds for surgery yet); I've dealt with an awful lot of pain from my problematic reproductive system, including a scare involving cervical cancer; my vocal chords are shot to hell and the doctor I saw about them didn't help one bit, other than charge me lots of random body parts for his stupidity; probably more stuff, but I'm in a DayQuil-coma, so I can't think anymore.

11)What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to take me and The Man to Universal Studios for new year's. Tickets to see Idina Menzel in concert this summer. A portrait of my mom, drawn by one of my really good friends, that I gave to her for Christmas. Lancelot, my Lenovo laptop.

12)Where did most of your money go?

The Abyss that all actors' money goes to. Mostly gas, travel expenses, eating out.

13) What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing Idina Menzel in concert. Returning to Harry Potter World for another amazing new year's eve. The prospect that I might just have the stuff to make it in an MFA program.

14)What song will always remind you of 2011?

"Little Lion Man" and "White Blank Page" -- both by Mumford & Sons

15) Compared to this time last year, are you?
          Happier or sadder -
   I'd say... happier? I was happy a year ago. I think now it just comes with more
                      understanding as to why.

          Older or wiser -
                     Both. Definitely both. But mostly the second one.
          Thinner or fatter -
                     Actually, I have gained weight. Thanks, awkward hormone therapy.
          Richer or poorer -
                     Marginally in possession of more money.

16) What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I had been cast more. But that's not something I have control over. Saving money. Loving on other people. Dancing.

17) What do you wish you had done less of?

Worrying. Doubting myself.

18) How did you spend Christmas?

At home, with my family, in my pjs and a DayQuil-induced coma. With lots of hot chocolate.

19) Did you fall in love in 2011?

Still in the process.

20) What was your favorite TV program?

Castle. Parenthood. Watching all of Avatar: The Last Airbender with The Man.

21)Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. And I do my best not to hate people, anyway. Even if I don't like them, I try to have love for them, because people are people.

22)What was the best book you read?

Ooh. That's tough. I loved The Hunger Games. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. And there are about fifteen plays I could rattle off as life-changing...

23) What was your greatest musical discovery?

This.

24) What did you want and get?

For Christmas, two tickets to see Bernadette Peters perform in February. Also, an opportunity to fall in love with my best friend again. And to learn.

25)What did you want and not get?

A job in theatre.

26) What as your favorite film of the year?

Hmm. I do not rightly know. I don't often get to go to the movies, so my favorite would probably have to be something older that i saw for the first time. Also, the experience (not so much the film itself) of going to the midnight premier of the final HP movie. That was fun.

27) What did you do on your birthday? How old were you?

I turned 23. And I was in Boston staying with family, it was the day before a big audition, and my cousin's husband surprised me by taking me to see Mary Poppins at the Boston Opera House. It was magical.

28) What kept you sane?

The Man. Prayer. Letting myself cry when I needed to. Getting away and being by myself outside. Talking about things with my amazing support group of friends. My music.

29) Tell a life lesson you learned.

It's okay not to always meet your own expectations. Things will never turn out exactly the way you imagine. And it's okay to accept that they don't, and just enjoy how far you've come anyway. And it's so valuable to trust, and to learn to put your own selfishness aside in favor of honoring someone else.

30) What song lyric sums up your year?

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I'm clean, I'm clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart?
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart?
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

("White Blank Page" -- Mumford & Sons)

'Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my lief as it's meant to be.

("The Cave" -- Mumford & Sons)

Anatomy of My Last Few Days... RealFast.

2011-12-27T00:18:00.000-05:00

So most likely later this week, or perhaps even next week once I have returned from enjoying the glory that is Harry Potter World (lift-off in FOUR DAYS KIDS--be jealous!), I will gift you all with a real post that is longer than one paragraph and wildly more hilarious and entertaining than this one.

However, I wanted to share with you a few anecdotes from my life, just in the mean time.

FIRSTLY: RENT is finally over. And thank dear baby Jesus, because I was so exhausted and stressed out and overwhelmed and just done. Our final performances were pretty rockin', and I met some wonderful people during the process, but I am very glad I have my evenings back. And that I'm not killing Mother Nature with the gas mileage. Which brings us to....

SECONDLY: After Thursday night's performance, my little Chevy Monte Carlo, whom I affectionately call Monty, broke down on the side of the road only about two miles from the theatre, which is still like an hour from my house. Luckily, two of my friends who came to the show that night were able to rescue me from the dark, streetlamp-less abyss and provide me a couch upon which to sleep, while Monty spent the night on the side of I-75. My stepdad and uncle had to come rescue me and my car the following morning, so I went to work in the same clothes I had worn the day before, thoroughly disgruntled and feeling a cold coming on, and I found out that Monty is going to be in the shop until at least this upcoming Wednesday and that it's going to cost about $600 to fix him. Kill me now. And it's all because some fancily-named pipe inside the engine ruptured and it takes like a day to take apart the engine to even fix it then put it all back together again. Lame. Which brings us to...

THIRDLY: Friday night's closing performance of RENT was kind of ridiculous, since I had to find a ride willing to drive me the two-hour round trip, but luckily I have friends who like me, so this worked out. The evening was very long and I was very tired at the end of it, but I certainly bawled during my favorite number of the show, "I'll Cover You (Reprise)," because it was just so darn emotional. I am thankful for the time I had to get to know the amazing people who were a part of that cast and I am looking forward to maintaining friendships with them and even working with them again in the future.

FOURTHLY: Saturday was spent in the mountains with my grandparents for Christmasy things. It was a lovely day, but at the end of it, my throat was so on fire, I thought I was going to have to cut it out of my body to get any reprieve. My body doesn't mess around when it comes to colds.

FIFTHLY: Christmas at my house Sunday was swell. I was ridiculously sick, as my scratchy throat had become a full-blown Cold of Verifiable Anger that wracked my entire body, so I was in pjs and a DayQuil-induced coma for the majority of the day. BUT! I did manage to get a few stellar gifts from the parentals: two tickets to see Bernadette Frickin' Peters in concert with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra in February (really the only thing I asked for) and I am SO FREAKIN' EXCITED! Bernadette Peters is a legend and I will fangirl all over that seat in the right loge of Atlanta Symphony Hall while watching her be brilliant. I also got a surprise gift from my parents that I truly appreciate--a GPS for Monty, once he's all fixed up, since I drive all over Creation for my auditions and things. A very thoughtful, practical, and unexpected gift. Love it.

SIXTHLY: It is Monday and I have spent all day in my pjs from yesterday, downing more DayQuil, and watching the first season of Dexter while I layed around being lazy. Tomorrow, I return to work and look forward to lift-off on Friday for The Best Frickin' New Year's Trip Ever with The Man. I cannot wait to be downing an icy-cold butterbeer while standing in the middle of Hogsmeade square, looking up at the silhouette of Hogwarts against the beautiful Floridian skyline. Expect pictures of me gloating to come shortly.

So yeah. I have an awful lot of thoughts and existential life crises to tell you kids about that have occurred over the past few days, but I will defer until I can exist without the help of several helpings of alcohol-induced orange liquid. I love all of you, and I hope you have had time to see your family, friends, and loved ones this holiday season. Take care of yourselves, do something that helps your heart, and share some love with strangers. Here's to an incredible new year. And all the butterbeer I can stomach. :-D

Yay or Nay?

2011-12-21T12:21:00.001-05:00

So I'm tinkering with a redesign.

You should tell me what you like and what you hate and why you think those things.

LOVEYOUGUYSKAYTHANKSBYE.

Huh? ...schmerg.

2011-12-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

I promise I'm not ignoring you, so you can go ahead and stop making that face at me.

I'm just currently a ball of DayQuil-colored ick right now, which does not exactly lend itself to the creation of coherent sentences that are then uploaded to an online platform for the entertainment of the masses.

Also, it's the final week for RENT.

I'm so done.

Exhaustion.

Fatigue.

Death by... death.

So quit yer whinin', I'll be back in full force once this show is over and the disease that has lodged itself in my face has been exorcised. And depending on how I feel, I may just take the rest of the year off until after my Vacation Of A Lifetime to Orlando for new year's. So maybe I'll make you sweat out my absence all the way until 2012. Wouldn't that just be cruel of me.

Except even if I did take the remainder of 2011 off, I wouldn't leave you totally empty-handed. I'll be uploading my favorite pictures from Harry Potter World and the rest of Universal Studios throughout my trip there, so you'll have something to drool over until I get back. And I mean, let's face it, the only real reason you even read this blog is because I post pretty pictures of butterbeer, roller coasters, and my attractive boyfriend. Oh, you thought I didn't know? Pfft! I know everything.

...Except how to make my impending Grad School Trip O' Doom to Chicago less stressful. That I could use some help on. If any of you are midwesterner-type-peoples, and know how to (cheaply) navigate Chicago in the frigid snowyness of February, you should probably share your wisdom with me. I'll trade you an artsy and edgy shot of Dumbledore's wand for it. Thanks, that'd be peachy.

I'm gonna go slump over my desk some more. There's at least another ten percent of my desk that is not covered in germs yet. Don't want anyone callin' me a quitter. Ciao, kids.

[dies.]

(Ten days 'til Harry Potter. World. Thing.)

Also.

2011-12-12T00:17:00.001-05:00

This arrived in the mail recently.

It's, you know, a letter.

From the Stella Adler Art of Acting Studio in LA. It's the sister studio to the one in New York. This letter is inviting me to come be a part of their summer conservatory program next summer at the LA campus. I also received a letter inviting me to the NY campus, if I want to go there. The programs in either city are identical, so it's a matter of coast-preference, really.

The Stella Adler reps saw me audition at SETC back in the fall. (You remember, that big grad school audition convention I went to and posted a kajillion posts about.) You don't get into their program without applying, auditioning, and interviewing. So to get a letter inviting me after they saw me at a mass audition... feels really good.

My spot in the program is secured until January 15th.

I haven't decided whether or not to accept yet.

This is the kind of opportunity that I, literally, drool over.

The only thing stopping me is the cost of picking up and moving to a new state for a few months. And the fear that... well... I don't know. Just fear, I guess.

So. Do I go?

Time Travel Real Fast

2011-12-11T22:32:00.001-05:00

Today is December eleventh, 2011.

Today, I wore black jeans, a bright blue zip-up hoodie, my new Sevenly shirt, and then my costume for RENT.

Exactly one year ago, December eleventh, 2010, I wore this:

I'm the one on the right, mid-laugh.

One of my theatre faculty members is hugging a friend as the other theatre grads stand in line for our turn to be goopy and nostalgic.

So yeah.

I graduated from college a year ago today.

And it feels weird.

As this moment approached, I've been asking myself over the past several months this question: "Will I feel like I've accomplished what I set out to do?"

I don't think there's an unbiased way to answer that question. Of course there isn't--I'm asking myself if I thought I succeeded at something during a time of immense change and stress and turmoil and financial hardship and existential life confusion and et cetera.

No, I am not where I thought I would be by now.

I wanted to be out of my parents' house, living on my own, probably with a roommate, but working in some sort of creative environment, doing costuming, whatever, but being more heavily involved in professional theatre, doing shows, finally getting paid to act, with high hopes for a future in this industry and the possibility of moving out of state soon.

I have done none of these things.

I have auditioned my behind off, all over Atlanta and all over the east coast. Only recently was I finally cast in a show, but it's not paying me, so I haven't moved up the ladder in that area. I still work for my step-dad's company. I still live at home. My room is still a mess because I never did figure out how to combine all my college stuff with my home stuff. I'm only dreaming of being able to move out and even leave Georgia within the next six months.

In short, I am in an entirely different place than I ever thought I would be. But not all of it is bad.

Last year on this date, I couldn't imagine seriously applying to graduate programs. But I'm doing it.

Last year on this date, the thought of dating The Man was still somewhat repulsive to me. We've obviously since worked that out.

Last year on this date, I didn't think I'd be represented by a talent agency. That's been one of the biggest surprises of all.

There was one thing I did foresee on this day in 2010--that even though I couldn't see where exactly I was headed, I knew that I'd gain a wealth of knowledge in the process. I knew I was in for the biggest learning experience of my life so far. And that prophecy has indeed come true.

It's been so much harder in areas than I ever thought it would be. And there have been plenty of disappointments and me-pulling-out-my-hair days and crying-in-a-ball-in-the-corner nights and general I-hate-everything-and-everyone seasons. But I've learned. I've become, I think, a better person. I've discovered first-hand just how difficult this industry really is, especially in a time of economic crisis, when theatres are being more cautious about hiring new faces. I now know the kind of emotional stamina and mental fortitude that's required to stay in this field. I have picked myself up off the floor, defeat after defeat, more times than I care to admit, and I've always come back swingin'.

So no, I'm not where I hoped I would be as far as my circumstances go.

But I have surpassed where I hoped I would be as far as my spirit and my drive to follow my dreams are concerned.

And if this year's any indication of how the next one is going to go, then I have no effing clue as to where I will be come December eleventh, 2012. Oy.

But I am looking forward to it.

So here's to the next one, ladies and gents. Here's to being out of college for an entire year and not failing too miserably just yet. I think I've officially passed the mark of being a "post-grad." Here's to getting into grad school and getting to do it all over again. Here's to continuing to learn. Here's to finally breaking in to the biz in a job I love that keeps a roof over my head that is sturdier than a cardboard box.

And here's to all of you. May you continue to strive for your dreams just as fiercely. I'm rootin' for ya.

TWO PARTS, I say!

2011-12-09T12:28:00.001-05:00

This post comes to you in two parts. Get excited.

PARTE UNO!

It's OPENING NIGHT FOR RENT HUZZAAAHHHHHHHHHHH ::collapse::.

I. Am. So. Tired. Guh.

But tonight is going to be great. I think. Yes. It will. If I can wake up, that is.

And The Man is going to be in the audience and everything. Best bo'fren' evah.

Hopefully I'll remember to bring my camera and take some awesome behind the scenes shots for you kids. I know how much you thrive on living vicariously through my photography.

PARTE DOS!

It has been rapidly becoming apparent that my focus in life is not just to become a professional actor. I love theatre. I want to be around it in some form or another for the rest of my life. This plan has not changed.

But you know what else is knocking on my mental door like a massive big-bad wolf hungry for several helpings of fresh pork???

I am SO FREAKIN' PASSIONATE about gender equality.

It's almost becoming a problem.

Why, you ask? Because I'm preparing to put my neck on the proverbial chopping block for an MFA in acting--which is kind of not the same thing as a graduate degree in gender studies. And now it's gotten to the point where I'm looking for the right monologues for my week of being in front the guillotine (a.k.a. grad school auditions) and I'm snorting and huffing at those monologues that have obvious stereotypical gender bias in them. (YOU try finding a classical monologue for a young lady character who is actually a depiction of a real woman, and not of a snivelling little damsel in distress who can't do anything for herself because she's so lovesick over the abusive man who thinks he owns her. Yeah. Just try it.)

I am acutely aware of the lack of admirable women in today's media. In novels, sitcoms, films, plays, even commercials-- it is still very male-centric, and when there are women, they are usually pretty and tiny and do not serve any purpose other than what they are doing in relation to the men around them or for general sex appeal (also male-centric). The girl next door, the sister, the mom, the best friend, the devoting wife to the troubled husband, the secretary, and on and on and on. That is not to say that there are no admirable ladies on stage or on screen. There could just be a hell of a lot more. This is one of the reasons why I plan on being published (lots) in my lifetime. I want to write fiction and I want to write plays and I want to work to fill this void in today's literary canon.

But aside from the material that is out there--I'm an actor. I understand that 99 times out of 100, I am not going to be in complete agreement with the character I am portraying. The whole point of acting is to work to take yourself out of your box and to understand what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, someone who is different from you on every level. It is why I think acting is one of the most rewarding and courageous pursuits. I've played a courtesan, a disillusioned rape victim, an abusive mother, a mother superior in a convent who imprisoned wayward girls, a Trojan queen who killed innocent children, a homeless drug addict, and the list goes on. None of these characters are me. And I was able, by the divine gift being able to act, transcend myself for a while and learn what it was like to be them.

And here I am. Same actor. Same person. Having a really hard time separating my personal beliefs from the material I am choosing. On the one hand, I have to separate them in order to be a good chameleon (which is what actors are). On the other hand, I don't want to perpetuate the lack of truly admirable women on the stage by choosing material that I don't believe in and don't connect with.

Is this a sign? Is my focus shifting? I still want to act professionally and teach acting classes and direct down the road. But I also really want to take a social issues/gender studies focus to the whole thing. Is there a way to combine these two animals into one graduate education? How the heck do I even make that happen???

It's time to call up some faculty from my undergrad, from the theatre department AND from the womens' studies department. I think I may need an Existential Life Crisis meeting with them. I could certainly use some advice.

I Still Exist, I Promise.

2011-12-06T12:49:00.001-05:00

It's tech week, kids.

Which means RENT is going strong, after many pitfalls and moments of terror that we might have to postpone, and I'm so ready to just get this show up off its butt and on its feet already. We have a preview Thursday night for press and related types, then we open Friday. Then shows through Sunday. Then a blessed three days off before our next round of shows.

So. Ready. For. A. Break.

This week has been painful. Going to work all day then trying to find five minutes to grab dinner then driving the hour commute to the theatre then spending the next six hours rehearsing then driving the hour back then coming into my room and falling onto my bed to realize that yes, my clock does in fact say 2 AM, and I briefly consider that I need to bathe, but that would mean postponing sleep, and my lack of ability to move from where I landed on my mattress is evidence enough that showering will have to wait.

It's bad enough when I can't find time to schedule regular meals, but when your regular shower regimen is upset, then it becomes an issue. No one likes a stinky actor.

I had an audition yesterday for Tartuffe by Moliere at Fabrefaction Theatre Company, where my friend Chelsea works doing costumes. They just finished a fantastic production of Sweeney Todd and just opened their Christmas show spectacular, The Rocky Horror Show. Rocky Horror runs the same time frame as RENT, so I'm not sure if I'll get to see it yet. I did not get a callback for Tartuffe, which is okay, ya win some, ya lose some, and I made a pact with myself anyway--that after this audition, I am planning to take a break from theatre (gasp!) until my grad school auditions in February are over. I have a lot of work to do to prepare for my trip to Chicago at the beginning of February and I'm at my wits' end with my current schedule. So once RENT is over, I am going to langoriously enjoy the luxury of having my evenings free to research monologues and rehearse those on my own.

I'll try and update again soon, so you guys don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth or anything.

And feel free to donate to my I Need Gas To Get To Rehearsals fund, or my Be Fancy In Chicago fund if you feel so inspired. The Traveling Actor Life is 'speeeennssiivvveeee, y'all.

(T-minus 24 days until The Best New Year's Ever at Harry Potter World)

Schmerg.

2011-11-28T11:52:00.001-05:00

Uuuuuuuuuuugggghhhheeeeaaaauuuggghhhbbbllleeeccchhhhhuuugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Please pardon my my woeful groans of discomfiture and sorrow.

I feel like an awful lot of this blog has been me trying to give myself pep talks or vent about how I feel tired or sick or overwhelmed or burdened or frustrated or silly or stupid or tired or sick or overwhelmed. And on these posts, I have often gotten a few, "You can do it!"'s in response, which are always helpful and make me crack those rusty old facial muscles and experience a genuine smile, but sometimes I just get fed up with the same 'ole, same 'ole. I mean, we've covered this already: the first year to two years out of college suck royally; I've chosen a career field in which there will be very little pay, if any, for a long time until the rest of the world realizes how awesome I am and showers me with Tony's; and I'm in a perpetual state of Stuck.

That's what's getting me the most right now, and for the majority of this past year, really--the illusion and actuality of Being Stuck. So many of my friends are dealing with this exact same plague, this highly communicable disease that we're passing around faster than mono in a freshman dorm, and it just seems like the reality of Being Stuck is never going to end.

I'm approaching the one-year mark of being a college graduate. Within two weeks, I will hit that milestone, and along with having a performance of RENT that day, I know that I will also inwardly be screaming like a headless chicken from the sheer terror of not having accomplished as much as I thought I would in this amount of time. I move back home today from the house I've been taking care of for the parents of a friend, and leaving that lovely empty house after two weeks of bliss and peace and quiet is going to be really hard, and only further remind me of how behind I am on moving out on my own. Not to mention the impending grad school deadlines, what with their fancy expensive application fees and their optimistic emails reminding me that They Are The Best School For Me, when in reality they may not like me or my paperwork at all, and it's all just sort of running together into one big blob of Stuck And Disappointment.

For those of you that have been paying attention, I've recently been graced with the amazing opportunity to contribute to the lovely Rachel F. Hirsch's brain child I Hope I Get It, the online resource for actors. I am in the middle of researching my next post, and while I won't spoil the ending for you, I will give you a hint as to the topic: attitudes. Specifically, attitudes of actors when they are and are not getting work. But it's not so black-and-white, is it? Of course not! The attitude you have as a regular 'ole person on your off time affects your attitude at work, at play, at whatever. And I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. You guys have heard of the phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it," right? Well, I want to challenge that. See if it's really all it's cracked up to be--scientifically. At first glance, it sounds genius. Just PRETEND you are cool and successful and popular! Then you will eventually BECOME those things, right?!?! But in the process of getting there... you have to -(drumroll)- pretend. You have to act. You have to... lie? Lie to who, other people or yourself? And does that really do more good than harm in the long run?

I'll let you kids know when that post is fully fleshed out and up on IHIGI. (I totally pronounce that acronym "I-hi-guy," so feel free to follow my lead.)

In the meantime, feel free to share your thoughts with me. About anything. The subjects I have mentioned here, American consumerism on the day after Turkey Dinner, nerdy math jokes, what have you. I'm not picky.

'Tis The Season To Be Burned Out, Fa La La La Laaa...

2011-11-23T10:29:00.001-05:00

It's official. 'Tis The Season For Burn-outs.

I am a mess at work today. Reasons for this include but are not limited to:

- My Angry Uterus Being Angry All The Time

- RENT rehearsals are going later and longer and we're getting down to the wire and have had three casting changes of principal roles to date, the latest happening just yesterday, so we're pushing opening back a week to break in our new people. I've never been in a show that has had so many problems; but, then again, when Jonathan Larson was putting up RENT for the very first time all those years ago, he had the same problem (thought admittedly much worse, since he was working on this for months and months rather than just 6 weeks, not to mention the fact that Larson's untimely death happened right before their opening night of previews).

- Since rehearsals are getting me home past midnight every night, I'm having a harder and harder time getting up for work and being in as early as I need to be. I stayed out yesterday because I was just so exhausted, and because I was experiencing a bout of fevers that seem to be accompanying the activity related to My Angry Uterus Being Angry All The Time. Speaking of, I should probs call my doctor about that today.

- Fifty dollars. Every two days. For my gas tank. It's gettin' old, kids.

- Early application deadlines are approaching for grad schools, and I'm mostly just waiting on my letters of recommendation, because I want to get them in early so I can take advantage of the cheaper fees before they double, and even though my recommenders are awesome and will write glorious things about me, I feel anxious relying on other people who have busy lives teaching and stuff to get back to me in a timely manner. Oy.

- Did I mention that I never have time for anything? I get up barely in time for work, spend all day at the office, speed home in time to have a small and poorly nutritioned dinner before heading back out the door to drive to the other side of Atlanta for rehearsal, then six-seven hours later, I'm heading back home, finally having a moment to breathe at 12:30 AM and then it's off to bed so I don't oversleep for work the next day. So when I DO have things that need doing, such as doing dishes, laundry, taking a shower, answering an email, all of these things happen in the one window of Free Time that exists for me--the wee hours of the morning. Which does not help me get up for work any easier.

But amid all this craziness and blubbering at my desk and continually pressing snooze, I have a glimmer of hope: I booked the hotel for The Man's and my new year's trip to Universal. Butterbeer coma, here I come.

Oh Go On, Applaud If You Like!

2011-11-17T15:22:00.001-05:00

OBSERVE!

I've got yet another post up on I Hope I Get It!

At this rate, this site is going to make me famous. Sigh, if I only I knew how to deal with such attention and glamour!!!

[cricket. cricket.]

:-D!

On Being Free

2011-11-17T11:06:00.001-05:00

So I'm house-slash-cat-sitting for the next two weeks for the parents of a friend of mine while that friend and her folks hang out in Florida for the nuptials of said friend's sister and said folks' other daughter. I am taking care of the cat of the folks and the cat of the fiance of the friend, who incidentally was my
friend before I became friends with the lady who is now his betrothed.

That makes sense, right? Sure, we'll go with that.

Having a house all to myself the past couple of days has been glorious. There is food in the fridge, a big bed for me to sleep in, and the freedom to make dinner at my own pace and sit around applying for grad schools in the living room with whatever Harry Potter film ABC Family happens to be playing at the moment.

I have tasted freedom, and now my thirst is unquenchable.

I am so ready to move out and be on my own. SO ready. 'Ready' as in, you know, I reallyreallyreallyreally want to do it and I'm going to drive myself nuts if I have to stay at my parents' house for another six months--not so much 'ready' in the sense that my finances are as awesome as I want them to be. Being in RENT has its moment of awesome, but the rehearsals are an hour away, and I'm filling up my gas tank every two days. (Again, MEA CULPA Mother Nature!) Shoo', gas is 'spensive, y'all!

And speaking of being free--

I've mentioned this in passing previously, and those of who have been around long enough may have caught these small references and will know what I'm talking about. I have yet to do a full post (or possibly series of posts) on the topic because it's been so personal, but I think it may be time to drain the remaining dregs left at the bottom of the cup.

I have mentioned briefly here and there that almost two years ago, I went through a spiritual and emotional burning. I have also mentioned my attachment to the image of the mythological phoenix: a creature that bursts into flames, is consumed in fire until nothing is left but ash, and then miraculously rises reborn from its own destruction. This image has been (haha) burned into my mind ever since I experienced the series of events that led to my own 'ash ceremony.' (I even have plans for a tattoo.) I will vet the full story for you later, but at the moment I want to focus on the day that I realized I was finished burning, finished smoldering, that the ashes around me had started to grow cold, and I managed to open my eyes to the world with a fresh heart stripped of the heavy weight the flames had managed to dissolve. It seems so ironic, so cliche, so perfectly poetic (and laughable) that my realization that I was okay, finally okay, happened at approximately 11:56 PM on December 31st, 2009. In the span of time that it took me to fully comprehend how huge this revelation was, I noticed that the new year had come, the old having timed out, and I felt an intense sense of joy and peace and euphoria all at once that I hadn't known in such a long time. I wasn't even doing anything to celebrate the new year. I was at home, in my room, by myself, sitting under the covers on my bed, reading a book. I'm quite sure I was reading one of the Harry Potter books, although at this moment I couldn't tell you which one, as my mind was so consumed with this transformation that I was only half paying attention to the words on the pages.

So here I was, at midnight on New Year's Eve, ringing in 2010 with the genuine feeling that the stroke of the clock had indeed done for me what it had promised: I was made new. The slate was blank. It was time to start over and leave all of the pain and heartache of the past exactly where it belonged--in the past. It will forever remain one of the most important moments of my entire life, as it will always be the moment that I learned how to breathe again. I was free. I was finally free.

Fast forward a year later, to the 2010 new year's celebration, and I was on a trip to Universal Studios in Orlando with a group of five friends, making the pilgrimage to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, that had opened just six months prior. I was acutely aware that my one year anniversary of Being A Real People had arrived, and I couldn't be in a more perfect place with better people: at the midnight countdown, I stood with five of my most favorite people in the world and the entire staff of The Three Broomsticks tavern, in the middle of the glittering Hogsmeade courtyard, raising our glasses of frosted butterbeer and Hog's Head ale aloft, the sky above colored with stars and fireworks, and I celebrated the coming of January 1st like I had never celebrated it before.

I was alive, I was breathing, and all was well.

Now it's the middle of November, and my second anniversary is coming up. And I have decided that now that New Year's actually holds real significance for me, I am going to do something special for it every year to celebrate being alive. I had mentioned to The Man that I was considering taking a trip somewhere, doing something completely wonderful and out of routine to honor Year Number Two Of Being A Real People. And suddenly I had the most amazing thought dawn on me... what the perfect thing to do would be... in the perfect place, with the perfect people, with the perfect fictional-made-real beverage held aloft, surrounded by the most perfect world...

(You can see where I'm going with this, right?)

That's right, folks! The Man and I have decided to take a five-day sojourn down to Orlando and party like it's 1999! We're doing three full days in the parks, two at Islands of Adventure and one at Universal proper, but I can assure you that the countdown to midnight will be happening in Hogsmeade square, under the stars and fireworks, a frothy and frosty butterbeer in one hand and My Man in the other. And it will be perfect.

And don't worry, I'll post pictures. :-D

And you KNOW the "Make Love Not Horcruxes" t-shirt will be making another appearance.

Go on, be jealous of our hand-painting skills.

I'm ready for this to be mass-sold in bottles. Please make this happen.

Snow-covered Hogsmeade at dusk.

Gryffindor Pride FOREVER.

The happiest place on Earth. Aaah.

"I Hope I Get It!"

2011-11-15T12:59:00.001-05:00

Guess what, kids!!!

The fabulous and gorgeous Rachel F. Hirsch, New York-based Actor Extraordinaire and blogger for Backstage, has asked me to become a contributor on her new information website for performers, I Hope I Get It. And my first post went up today!!!! Wahooooo!!!!

Therefore, because you love me, I expect all of you to head over and check out Rachel's awesome site and, of course, read my post. And because you love me A LOT, you are surely going to go subscribe and tell all of your friends about it and even throw a party in our honor, at which you will consume lots of pepperoni pizza and holiday-themed Pillsbury cookies, to which I am of course invited. Too specific? I think not!

I know not all of you are performers, but you're friends with me, so you should check it out anyway. :-)

Rachel has worked diligently to create a site that is helpful for the actor in need of community and helpful advice for getting on his or her feet in the business. Since Rachel is in NY, she's covering that area of the performing world in depth. She asked me to contribute to give readers the skinny on what's happening outside of the on- and off-Broadway sector--specifically here in Atlanta.

She makes me feel fancy. :-D

Comment on this post or on I Hope I Get It to let me know what you think!

This.

2011-11-11T19:00:00.001-05:00

This is my Friday night:

You know you wish you were invited to this party.

(And I'm having dinner before I make three batches of cookies? Heeeelllllll no!)

Day Two And Already Withdrawal

2011-11-09T15:52:00.002-05:00

So I got this crazy idea to encourage myself to have healthier eating habits.

And when you are on a Dinner At Midnight kind of schedule like I am, and fast food is sometimes the only option, you could use some pointers on how to create better habits when it comes to food. As an actor with evening rehearsals that run late with an hour commute either way, sometimes my only opportunity for dinner is when I hit up Wendy's on my way home at 11:30 at night. Not the most body-loving of meals, but it sure is tasty.

A relative of mine gave me this idea for a better diet, and I thought, hmm, there might be some merit in that. Not only did this relative end up losing weight, but also their cholesterol was down and they just felt better.

So here's the plan: Be a vegetarian on weekdays. Do whatever you want on weekends.

Sounds simple.

I am quite the meat lover. So this idea seemed less-than-awesome at first--but then I thought about it. I have meat at every meal. Sometimes, that's ALL the meal is--a plate of super tasty hot wings, for example. If I cut meat out of my diet during the week, I would actually be forced to come up with options that include fruits ands veggies, which I like but definitely don't get enough of. This plan might actually work. I'll be healthier and maybe even drop a few pounds from all the chicken nuggets I consume. Wahoo, let's do this!

...

Guys?

It's Wednesday.

I AM SO HUNGRY FOR A DAMN CHICKEN SANDWICH I COULD KILL SOMEONE.

On the one hand, I've enjoyed eating my cantaloupe slices and making fancy soups with french bread. Filling and way healthier than my usual combo from Wendy's. BUTOHMYGODAMICRAVINGBACON.

The Man is trying to be awesome and supportive. When I have moments of weakness, such as last night, when my mom had just made a platter of chicken for dinner, I somehow managed to walk buy without shoving any into my pockets. I kept hearing The Man's encouraging voice in my ear--"Come on, Emma, you can't fail on the first DAY. That's ridiculous. At least TRY to succeed."

He's so loving.

I tried being a vegetarian for real once. In elementary school. It sounded cool and I thought abusing animals was bad, so obviously that meant I should be a vegetarian. I lasted for one whole math class until I got to lunch and they were serving my favorite meal--fried chicken sandwich with special chocolate pudding dessert. I couldn't resist. It called to me.

I have several friends who are vegetarian, and even one who is completely vegan, and talking to them about their meal habits is always interesting. They've found really healthy and tasty ways to replace the protein in their diets. And even though I have sampled some of these tasty non-meat alternatives, I can't help but still be a carnivore in my soul. I love meat. I really do. Chicken is my go-to slab-o-flesh of choice. But I will NEVER turn down a steak. A juicy, delectable steak, medium-well, just enough pink, but no bloody juices, seasoned and grilled to just the right flavor, with garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus spears and colorful succotash on the side...

My desk is now covered in drool.

Have any of you tried any diets that radically changed the way you eat? Any success stories? Better yet, any failure stories? That way I won't feel so bad when I end up sitting on the floor in my kitchen, refrigerator door wide open, inhaling sausage patties and frozen nuggets like they're going out of style.

Yeah. We'll see how long I last before I start sleep-meat-eating.

Happy Actor Is Happy

2011-11-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

What is this I'm holding, you ask???

Oh, you know.

Just a check.

From an entertainment company in California.

Paying me for doing background for that movie I mentioned a little while back.

No big deal.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M A PAID ACTOR!!! WAAAHHHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels awesome, you guys. I was only on set for one day, and the check is not super huge or anything, but it's a CHECK from a company that makes MOVIES and I got to be in a MOVIE and get PAID for it. Plus, the two free meals on set! And this is only the beginning. The next one of these will say "A Million Trillion Dollars" on it. Totally.

So here's the scoop:

I got to get up ridiculously early only to find out my call time had been pushed back an hour and a half and I got crazy lost trying to find the place I was supposed to be because we were filming at a train station downtown and the signs were not making any sense but finally I found it and I was shuttled to a base camp that was several miles away and we got to have breakfast and it was so tasty and I had pancakes, made for me right there!, and hashbrowns and bacon and eggs and all kinds of stuff and the wardrobe people came and made me fancy and it was really neat and we waited around a lot and then we got shuttled some more back to the train station and then we waited some more in the freezing air because the movie is set in early fall when it's still like 68 degrees outside but it was NOT 68 degrees on this day and so I was frozen but fancy looking and there were so many cameras and people with Important Things To Do running around and we rehearsed the scene a bunch of times and I was a passenger leaving the train station as the main actors were entering it and GUESS WHO I TOTALLY STOOD TEN FEET FROM it was Billy Crystal! and Bette Midler!, two of my all-time favorite childhood heroes, I mean I grew up watching these people, and it was so neat to see them in the flesh and Bette Midler is so much tinier in person than I thought she would be, and Billy Crystal had his face painted all hilariously for this scene, and it was awesome and we got to eat lunch after we were done shooting at the train station and the lunch was SO AMAZINGLY TASTY, like seriously you guys, they had LA-based caterers there with trailers that were like kitchens and they made everything for you right there and I had the best barbecue sandwich I've ever eaten in my life and it was so good and you should be jealous.

I met a lot of really interesting people. What was so fascinating was that most of the people there doing background with me weren't even actors--they were just regular people who enjoy doing this from time to time for something new. There were other actors there of course, and we traded stories about what our backgrounds are and such. There were a lot of first-timers there like me. It was such an interesting group of people and I hope I get to see some of them again on future projects, because you KNOW I will do this again if they need my type. (I will never say no to free food. Never.)

When it gets closer to being finished and they've announced a release date, I'll let you guys know when it's going to be in theaters so you can look for me in the train scene. How cool will that be?! :-D

Happy actor is happy. :-)

I AM Ziggy Stardust

2011-11-06T01:05:00.000-04:00

So, I'm like a week late in talking about this, BUT!

Remember how I told you guys that Halloween's been a tad tarnished for me and that I was planning on just sitting this one out this year?

Well, I ended up having some last minute plans happen for Halloween after all. My RENT family had a get together at our director's house on the 31st, complete with pizza, cake, and costumes. I even decided to have some fun and get dressed up! I had about half an hour to throw a costume together--my original plan was just to take a fancy mask I had gotten in New Orleans with me and use that, but I decided that my stage make-up kit has been sitting in my closet unused for far too long.

...And THIS is what happened:

So the idea was to be a mime. I had on black t-strap character shoes, fishnet tights, a black mini skirt, a man's white button-down, a black vest, various black and white strings of pearls, and white mime gloves, not to mention the white bowler hat! I just kind of played around with my make-up, doing a sparkly purple and blue star on one side, then just blue on the other. At the party, people kept asking me if I was in the band KISS. Also, if I was David Bowie.

Yes. David Bowie. That's what I was. A million times yes.

The party was good. It was nice to mingle with and get to know my new cast mates. Hocus Pocus was totally on the TV for a little while, which, let's be real, is what I would have spent my time watching had I just stayed at home and not gone to the party, so win-win! Creepy mime-Bowie make-up and Bette Midler being a badass!

The best part was that I was not only with new friends, but I was with people who didn't know anything about the fiasco from two years ago. People who knew me and liked me and who didn't judge me. Here I was, at a Halloween party, enjoying myself, having fun, and feeling like maybe I had reclaimed the holiday for myself sooner that I thought I would. And that was a really nice feeling.

So here's to no longer feeling anxious, no longer feeling afraid, no longer scheduling my life around a misunderstanding that happened years ago. I am who I am. The people who know me love me for that and I love them fiercely right back. I no longer have to fear memory associated holidays.

That said, I am so looking forward to the Christmas season. Cool nights, warm gloves, ice skating, hot chocolates, hunting down the perfect presents, spending time with family, listening to Josh Groban sing "O Holy Night" on my iPod, being in PJs by the fire, watching those old school claymation Christmas movies, freshly baked cookies, TURKEYallthetimeTURKEY, drinking White Russians with a dash of peppermint schnapps (it seriously tastes just like Christmas), and being reminded of all the things I love in the world, as well as looking forward to my 2nd anniversary on new year's. New Year's Eve marked an important turning me for me in my life almost two years ago. I had been dead, a walking zombie, for months and months and months, my heart broken in such a way that I was afraid I could never find all the pieces again. And how perfect, how poetic, how ironic, that the day I finally decided to start living again, breathing again, and letting go of all the pain I had endured, was right about midnight on December 31st, 2009. Last new year's I celebrated privately the one-year mark while at Harry Potter World with a group of friend. We had stayed in the park to see in 2011. And when the countdown started, we joined the staff of The Three Broomsticks outside in the "snow" covered courtyard, holding our mugs of butterbeer aloft, cheering together as we counted, the sky aflame with fireworks and starlight. It was an amazing feeling in probably the happiest place in the world for me. I wish I could do that again at HPWorld this year. (I may just do that last minute, who knows? Road trip!!!)

Here's to being happy. Cheers.

I love all of you. Thank you yet again for being with me on my journey to myself. :-D

Also, I seriously feel like my life would be so much better if I could just turn into David Bowie at will. So. Much. Awesome.

"I'm Colorblind, Kid."

2011-11-02T01:20:00.000-04:00

So this is what it looks like in North Carolina right now. Just sayin'. Gor. Zwah.

LOOK AT ALL THE COLORS! (The colors, Duke! The colors! --10000000007 points if you get that reference)

All of the trees were in full color-change-mode on the mountains. Like, if the mountains were cotton candy, they'd be covered in rainbow sprinkles. Best. Ever.

So pretty. Forillz.

BEST.

The Man and I finally managed to tour the Basilica without interrupting mass--seriously, every time we've gone by to check out the inside, we've almost blasphemed by cutting in the communion line.

Jesus is made out of gold. 'Case you were wondering.

This is the most adorable and creative bohemian coffee shop ever. It is a double-decker bus. And it serves coffee. And you can sit in the top car and drink your coffee. So legit.

Seriously so great.

Also, we've officially been dating for like 6 months. Which is like 1/20th of a decade. Which is basically a decade. Which is basically forever. Geez, it's been a long time...

And because I promised, I got you guys these fancy cupcakes I decorated in a random cake decorating class I went to! That is fondant magic, my friends. Plus, SPRINKLES (star-shaped!).

- + -

This week's RENT question for the cast: "What is your biggest fear in your life right now?"

Like everyone, I've experienced failed relationships. I have learned the hard way how to be in a successful relationship and what things I do and do not want to be a part of my romance. Ever since I could imagine, I've had dreams of this perfect, amazing love story that would be written for me, something soul-defining and life-changing that would find me in my adult years and keep me even after death. I've dreamed of a man who is human, who has faults, and who completely understands me, challenges me, and loves me more than he can stand. I've dreamed of finding him so that I could return all of those things. And as I've grown and changed and healed from my broken hearts, I've become someone close to that woman I want to be when I finally find that incredible world-shattering romance. But here's my fear: it's not even that this love won't happen for me; it's that it will, that he'll show up, that it'll be right here in front of me, and I'll miss it. I won't see it for what it is, I'll be too skeptical and I'll find too many things wrong with him and with me, and I'll end up missing out on something really grand. I'm really terrified that an incredible love story will find me and I won't even recognize it. Really, really terrified.

So in addition to acting, I am also going to get to choreograph a little for RENT! Wahoo! La Vie Boheme, here I come!

...Aaaaaand We're Back!

2011-10-28T00:58:00.000-04:00

I have returned from my hiatus into the wilderness that is gorgeous Asheville, North Carolina, and I am once again yours, fellow bloggers! It's okay, I'm back, you don't have to cry yourselves to sleep over my absence any longer!

I have a number of things I'd like to share with you all, but first, the most pertinent: I was indeed cast in RENT with the Next Stage Theatre Company, and I am 'over the moon' about it. (Baha, get it?! If you don't know the show, you probably won't appreciate that joke... GO LEARN ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY. NOW. GO!)

I unfortunately did not get the role of Maureen, as is my dream, but I am a part of the ensemble and I play Mark's mother. The ensemble is on stage just as often as the titular characters and the role of Mark's mom affords some very hilarious opportunities for character voices and solos. The director double-cast Maureen (meaning two actresses will share the role and alternate performances), and I have yet to see them really strut their stuff, so I haven't seen the quintessential Maureen-ness in them yet. I tell you what, though--someday I will play that part, and I will sing the house down when I do. I can do it and I know that I can do it, and I was a strong contender for the role--there just happened to be about fifteen other girls also vying for the same thing I was. So I am looking forward to getting to those scenes in rehearsal so that I can cheer on my fellow cast mates.

You guys. I am so excited to finally be a part of this show. I plan to be a part of it more in my lifetime, so this will certainly not be the last, but it is the first, and that makes it special. Yes, I have a 45-50 minute commute to the theatre every day that makes me want to die a little inside because of all the money I'm spending on gas (Im sorry, Mother Earth!). And yes, I am doing this show for free. It is not paid. But the director is so passionate about this story--directing this show has been one of his dreams for a long time, just as performing in it has been mine, and I am looking forward to the process of making this show great with him. This cast is so selective, every one cares about RENT and is willing to work hard to make it great, and that's the best thing I could ask for.

An example of the kind of experience this rehearsal process will be: at orientation this week, the director got up and said, "This would normally be the part where everyone gets up and introduces themselves, says what show they did last, et cetera et cetera--but I don't care about that. It doesn't matter what show you were last in. That's something you can talk about after rehearsal, or around the water fountain. What I want you to do is stand up, tell us who you are, and share something about yourself that you would not normally say upon first meeting somebody. Maybe even something no one knows about you. This show is going to be raw and real and you're going to get vulnerable with each other, so we're starting now. And as they say in Vegas--what happens in rehearsal..." - we chorus - "...stays in rehearsal." And so we got vulnerable.

One by one, we went around the room, sharing the first things that came to our heads, deep secrets, hidden vices, touching on difficult issues. It was fascinating to see what people shared, and it instantly drew us all together as one safe unit. Some revealed that they struggled with depression and anxiety. One girl revealed that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend that evening. One man revealed that he was worried no one would take him seriously in his role because he was older than a lot of the cast. One girl revealed that she was a "preacher's kid," and that "everything we were thinking right then was true." Even more revealed things even more painful and heart-wrenching to hear.

And what should I reveal? I thought. I immediately had several things come to mind--things that people usually don't find out about until they've known me for a while, some of which are dark and haunting. I decided to only share two, otherwise I would just keep talking and not be able to stop--just from the sheer emotional energy of the whole thing, not because I like talking about my problems (promise). When it came my turn, I stood up and faced the room.

"Hi family." They chorused back, "Hi!"

"My name is Emma. I am a product of divorce, and I grew up in two households: one that was encouraging and healthy and creative, and the other that was abusive. I am also a survivor of leukemia (a few 'wows' and some clapping greeted this phrase, to which I awkwardly blushed). I am... I am proud of who I am today because of what I've been through, and I am happy to be here and be where I am." As I sat back down, someone called out, "We're glad you're here!" It left a very touching, but somewhat squirmy, feeling in my chest.

I mentioned this before briefly, I always feel strange mentioning the C-word, because people immediately either look at me with sympathy or cheer me on for being healthy, and I just don't feel like I deserve it. I mean, I didn't do anything. I was so young. My mom is the one that deserves your sympathy and your praise, not me. I'm just... here. I don't know quite how I got here from that, but I did. And I'm thankful.

There was one detail that I decided not to share, just because I didn't want to talk for forever, but I kind of wish that I had. It's perhaps one of the most pertinent details to why I feel the way I do about this show. RENT is about freedom and love and family, and being true to who you are, even if it hurts, and living every second like it's your last. I'm going to share it with you, because I do my best to just be myself on this blog and to be honest about the way that I see the world, and this event had so much to do with why I became who I am today. When I was in the eighth grade, I was sexually assaulted by a street vendor while on a school field trip. It happened in the early evening, when it was still daylight, and we were in a public place, so things were certainly not as bad as they could have been. Many women are attacked and brutally raped and worse; my case was not like that, thank God, but it was still a very confusing and terrifying experience that had me rolling in waves of nausea all the way to the police station. A random guy selling bamboo roses, who was no more than my age now, with bloodshot eyes, breath that reeked of alcohol, and needle marks up both of his arms, somehow managed to take all of my control away and overstep every personal boundary I had in place. I spent the next year of my life fighting with terror and anxiety. Getting court subpoenas in the mail. Confused about how to deal with a guy in a romantic relationship. He even sent me a ten-page letter from prison, asking me to lie for him on the stand, so that his sentence would be reduced and he could go home to his baby girl (who he had fathered, by the way, via a young woman he had raped two years prior). To this day, it still upsets me that he was able to get my home address and personal information from the precinct. I'm pretty sure whoever my mom talked to on the phone at that police station was fired the same day. Long story short, this event had a lot to do with how I figured out what to do with my sexual and romantic identity from that point on. I only really just figured out to make those two things function together as one within the last year. It also forged an unfortunate bond between me and my mother--when she was in college, she was brutally attacked and raped in her college's parking garage. She never finished school.

If you've read this blog closely at all, then you'd know that I am so passionate about victims' rights and sexual identity freedom, and you'd know that I am the biggest advocate for love. This is just one of the pieces of the puzzle that made me the passionate, caring, driven young woman I am today.

If you don't know anything about this show, I encourage you to read up on it. RENT has affected millions of people worldwide. It's been performed all over the globe and has been translated into every major language. It's a story of real people, with real hearts and real hurts, figuring out how to live with themselves and with each other. It has something for everyone.

Since several of you in the comments on my last post (I won't name any names, you know who you are) confided in me that you were indeed unfamiliar with RENT, but "is that the one with the 'minutes' song?" It's called Seasons Of Love and it opens the second act of the show. Here's a video of the number being performed on Broadway.

I love all of you. I appreciate your presence on this blog with me, and I am so stoked to be at 40 followers when just a few short months ago, I had about 5. Thank you for participating in this dialogue with me. I hope you keep reading and keep commenting. I promise that I look at every single one of your blogs as well. I love getting to know you and learning about who you are, and where you are in life. Let's keep that up, shall we? :-)

Go forth and love someone today. No day but today.

I Know The Beginning Of The Alphabet!

2011-10-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

Oh my darling readers, I send you this message to let you know that I will probably be absent-ish from blogosphericalizing (vocabulary = pwned) for the next few days for several reasons!

A: I am so freakin' tired. Why am I so exhausted, newborn kittens could fit in the bags under my eyes, you ask? Refer to points B & C.

B: The callback for RENT went crazylate Wednesday night because all the Maureen candidates (there were like 15 you guys, it was a tad intimidating) did their auditions last so that we could have the privacy of mooning the director and casting assistant plus musical director without any unnecessary eyes in the room. Seriously the strangest audition I've ever done. More to come on that later!

C: In addition to getting home after midnight on Wednesday and eating dinner at midnight-thirty (didn't that become a trend for me at one point?) I only got a whopping three whole hours of sleep before getting up for my escapades for Thursday. See point D for more information!

D: I sit here at my desk, in comfy sweatpants and zip-up hoodie, with emerald scarf wrapped securely around my neck, feeling the comings-on of a cold, and WHY is that, you say??? Because Thursday's escapades involved an awful lot of standing outside in the cold wearing clothing fit for a warmer season--and WHY was I so under-dressed, you posit??? Because Thursday's escapades were on a movie set and winter coats weren't part of the costumes! I shall share infinitely more information on this exciting gig soon--but I shall leave you with these two tasty morsels: not only did I get to work ten feet from two super-famous people, I also enjoyed a free breakfast and lunch from the LA-based caterers that were there, and just so you know, food on movie sets is the JAM.

E: I am heading off to Asheville tonight for some much-needed fun and relaxation, and I shall be celebrating the anniversary of the birth of The Man along the way. There is sure to be much partying. And by partying I mean cake. Don't worry, I'll post pictures (of my empty plate).

-- Details to come on why the director of RENT called me yesterday and the great things he said to me, as well. I'll leave you with this cliffhanger to get ya drooling for more: My trip to Asheville may be cut slightly short, for I now have a commitment starting next week that goes through December 19th waltzing its way into my schedule. :-D --

"Then, A Little Bulldog Entered..."

2011-10-17T16:37:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I auditioned for RENT.

I spent two weeks agonizing over this decision. My vocal cords have been getting worse and worse, and some days my voice really does just disappear, along with the reappearance of a swollen sharp jabby thing on the side of my neck that makes swallowing and breathing painful. I am in the market of a really good throat doctor if anybody knows of one. The last earnosethroat guy was less than desirable, as nothing he did helped me at all, and also he is waaaayyyy too expensive for, you know, not doing anything.

But alas! The thought of not auditioning for one of my favorite pieces of theatre was just too daunting to bear, so I screwed my courage to the sticking place (a thousand nerd points of you can place that reference without looking it up) and submitted anyway, knowing that my voice may or may not even exist by the time it was my turn to sing. But I went yesterday. And I sang. And I sang well. I have learned the signs of this swollen angry-ness, so I know when to hold back and when to go on a vocal rest so that I can save it up for later. The audition went wonderfully! I sang my song a capella, as the director wanted to honor the way that Jonathan Larson originally auditioned the show back in 1995, and my voice was strong and present. It felt good to actually get some sound out and not feel so limited (though that feeling returned on the way home while I was singing along to my iPod, putting me in another bout of vocal rest for the evening). After the song, the director and his partner, a bald man with glasses and a jovial personality and a striking woman wearing a fabulous fedora and trench coat, interviewed me for a few minutes. The first question the director asked after my song was, "Why RENT?"

So I told him.

I took a breath, and laid it out there. I love theatre so much because I believe it has the power to affect people in their hearts and souls. I'm an advocate and activist for gender equality and sexual identity freedom, as well as human rights in general. And this is one of the shows that has touched me the most because it's about real people. And when audiences come to see this show, they leave a little different from when they came in, because they connect with the raw humanity that's on the stage. I believe that AIDS is something that is horrible and that should be talked about. I believe people living with it matter and that they shouldn't be passed over because of a stigma; attention must be paid. When you are handed a death sentence like that--how do you cope? What do you do with the rest of your life? These are the human stories that need to be told, and I want to be a part of it. I am a storyteller and the stories that I care about the most are the ones that have the power to change the course of this world for the better. If I can make it work, I want to go to grad school and eventually figure out how to combine something like the Human Rights Campaign and my own theatre company, focusing on social issues through artistic expression.

I stopped myself before any more of my bleeding heart messed up the stage floor.

"Thank you. That was a very thoughtful answer," he said to me as he made notes on my resume. "So which character would you say you identify the most with? It doesn't have to female, it can be male if you want."

Honestly? If I could play any role in this show it would be Mark (they laugh). Mark is the picture of passion combined with doubt. He has so much passion to tell their story, but he is so full of self doubt that he's stuck, he plays it safe, and it plagues everything he does until he realizes that he needs to just take the pressure off himself. On the flipside of that, I also identify with Angel, who knows exactly who she is and lives without apology. Angel doesn't deny that he is a gay man living with AIDS, nor does that keep him from dressing up in drag and playing his music and caring about Collins. I love the combination of these two characters: the two quandaries of doubting yourself to your own detriment versus never apologizing for who you are, even if the world wants you to.

The female director shared with me a few recommendations of plays she thinks I'd like; "Since you said you like things like this, I think you would really enjoy these..." I told her thank you, I love getting recommendations on new works in the social issues genre, especially if someone older, wiser, and farther along in this industry than me suggests them.

After this, the fabulous fedora-sporting woman then said to me, "You know, you have a little Linda Eder in your voice. I really like it, it's very rich."

At this moment it is distinctly possible I had to excuse myself while I searched under the stage for bootom half of my jaw. Linda Eder, if you are unfamiliar with her work, is considered to be One Of The Greats of the musical stage. She has a voice that is far more developed and mature than most ingenues dream that they had, and having a husband who writes musicals just for your voice doesn't hurt in getting her that exposure, either. I'm linking to a video of her performance as Lucy in Jekyll & Hyde, so that you may also be in awe of how fantastic she is. I am floored that someone would tell me my voice is anything like hers, but I will gladly accept the compliment!

On my audition contract form, I filled out that I was auditioning for the role of Maureen (originally played by none other than The Woman herself), but would of course accept any they offered me. After the singing and the interviewing, the director asked if I would be available Wednesday night for a callback, if they indeed decided to call me back, to which I of course answered, "Uh PSHAW YEAH I AM," although slightly more dignified than that, and the Fedora Lady then posed the million dollar question:

"Do you mind kissing a girl?"

To this date, Never Have I Ever Kissed A Girl, which is something I always play when doing that game with my friends, because so many of my female theatre friends have indeed smooched on other ladies (and not even on stage all the time, either!) and it's become kind of joke that I might never hit that milestone because, as we learned in this post, I am not of a fan of randomly smooching while at parties that involve alcohol, but I did answer the Fedora Lady in this way-- "I certainly do not mind!"

Then the director chimed in: "Do you mind flashing your butt at us?"

Me: "You mean like right now???"

No, not right now, he meant in general if I were to get the part and also on Wednesday if I were called back for the role. Maureen not only smooches ladies but she also moons the audience. Hooray.

Me: "Sure, I can do that. I should go ahead and warn you, though, I do have a birth mark right about..." and the rest of that sentence shall remain confidential between me, the directors, and, you know, whoever might be in the audience if I end up doing it for realsies.

Yeah. Gotcha that mental image. You're welcome.

So yes! I would consider yesterday's audition a winner. It was relaxed, friendly, I laughed with the directors, which is always a good sign, and my voice didn't crap out on me. Whether I get the part or not, this is a show I am determined to be a part of at some point in my life, so there will certainly be other opportunities to moo with the audience and wear a leather catsuit.

(Oh, and by the way? Guess who got called back for Maureen... :-D!)

Awards Make Me Fancy!

2011-10-15T23:46:00.000-04:00

Pshaw, YOU GUYS!

I have received my first-ever very own blog award!

Waaaaaahhhooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

It makes me feel like a real blogger. AND I have 39followers currently, which is crazy, because when I started this whole mess Ihad, like, 3. So thankyouthankyouTHANKYOU to all of the amazing peoplethat have connected with my writing and have stuck around to become myfriends. I cherish and appreciate you all.

Today, I am super appreciating That20 Something Virgin for giving me this fancy award:

Hooray! I'm lovely!

I mean, seriously, if I had to be given an award, this isthe one I would want, because I like thinking that I am lovely and that otherpeople find me lovely as well (or at least my writing anyway). So thankyou to my awesome friend from 20SV. She and I are like basically sisters. We've discussed this. Weapparently have the same mother. Also we're both awesome.

So here's the part where I do that wholesurvey-question-answery-thing and then pay it forward! Prepare yourselvesfor greatness.

QUESTIONS:

Name your favorite color

Sigh. This isalways so difficult. I am choosing a color family: jewel tones. Jewel tones, black, and metallics. You will most likely always find me ina combination of these--purple, teal, emerald, burgundy, with some silver andgold and black. Yep.

Name your favorite song

ALSO DIFFICULT. Pfft. Let's go with thisinstead:

Song you can always associate with me: Don't Stop Believin' by Journey (It is my JAM, alsomy ringtone. Don't judge. You know it's the best song in theworld.)

Song that has affected my heart: When Your Mind's Made Upby Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Song that I currently can't get enough of: Heavy In Your Armsby Florence & The Machine.

Name your favorite dessert

I have such a special place in my heart for Tuxedo CreamCheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. It is chocolately and wonderfuland glorious and has brownie layers and is amazing. Also, I love thedivine simplicity of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. They are bestwhen they are right out of the oven, still falling apart a little bit, with atall glass of milk with ice. (Yes, I drink ice in my milk. So sueme.)

What pisses you off?

When someone lies to me. Also, when someone doesn'tthink what I have to say is valid or meaningful. (Also when healthypeople don't donate blood to the Red Cross because they are pansies and areafraid of needles. See Random Fact About Me #7.)

When you are upsetyou...

I give myself sometime to feel however it is I am feeling, I let myself beangry/frustrated/whatever for a little while, then I move on. Expressingyour emotions is helpful--wallowing in them for extended periods of time isnot. You cry it out, then you figure out where to go next, and you do it.

Your favorite pet

I have two cats and a puppy and I LOVE ALL OF THEM. Also, The Man has akitten that is THE BEST AND CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD and I love her the mostmaybe. :-D

Black or white?

Black. Like mysoul. Angstangstangstangstangst. (That's what I wouldsay if I were thirteen and in love with Edward Cullen.)

Everydayattitude

I'musually pretty cheerful and quirky. Unless I am sick. Then I amDeath. But it's okay, because Death Looks Good On Me.

Your best feature

Forsheer aesthetic value? My eyes. They are big and green and I am theonly one in my family with them, everyone else has icy blue.

Forsheer utilitarian value? My mouth. You guys may not know this, butmy mouth and jaw are massive. Seriously, my jaw is like over half of myface. I can project really well. Also I can put my entire fist inmy mouth. Also I can belt the house down when I sing (when, you know, myvocal cords aren't being all swollen and mean).

Guiltypleasure

Watching Law & Order: SVUmarathons all day and night on the weekends. And eating those littlechocolate frosted cake doughnuts that are probably the worst things you couldput in your body.

7 Random things about myself:

1. I wear a size 10 shoe. When I was a kid, Ifelt weird about having 'big feet,' because all the girls I knew were a size 7which is the size that all the pretty shoes come in, but now I like it. Mostly because shoe designers have stepped up their game and also because Ilike to think of myself as an Amazon, and those warrior princess ladies do nothave small feet.

2. Before getting voice lessons in college, I wasunsure as to what my natural singing voice sounded like, because every time Iwould sing along to a song, I would automatically imitate the voice of thesinger. This comes in very handy for my acting, because I'm pretty goodat vocal imitations, and also I can totally pass for Josh Groban. Read itand weep, fellas.

3. My style is heavily influenced by the 1930s. The fashion for women in this time was so fabulous and gorgeous and I want allof it. And I'm very upset that John F. Kennedy took off his hat, becauseit's HIS fault that men stopped wearing fedoras and newscaps on a regularbasis. For real, he was the first man to publicly go out without a hatand have his face show up on newspapers and TV and stuff. so the 'the fad' ofgoing hat-less caught on. Sigh.

4. I collect antiquated books. Used bookstoresare like gold mines for me. The oldest work that I currently own is TheTheaetetus of Plato written in the original Greek with an Englishtranslation, published in 1881. Related to this, I LOVE old-booksmell. It's intoxicatingly romantic.

5. When I get married one day, as I am assuming Iwill eventually find someone patient enough to tolerate me, I don't want tworings. I don't need an engagement ring and a wedding band to form aset. Ideally, I would love one unique piece that accurately captures mystyle and personality, which wouldn't even have to cost all that much--I wouldlove a vintage or vintage-inspired art deco styled ring, a la 1920s.

6. I have plans for only one tattoo in my life. It will be a Celtic phoenix that I will get on my right hip, the art for whichwill be done my my bestie and artiste extraordinaire Carmanda. This tattoo holds a wealth of emotional and spiritual significance for me, thestory of which I may share with you all some day. We're currently workingon designs.

7. When I was only one year old, my nose startingbleeding on Christmas morning and wouldn't stop, so after a full day ofharrowing runnings-around at the hospital via my parents, I was diagnosed withchildhood leukemia. I had a partial blood transfusion for this, whichthey had to do through my feet because the veins in my arms were so weak, so Ihave this awesome picture of me sitting in a hospital gown, covered in bruiseswith tubes stuck in the bottoms of my feet, grinning because I was holding abucket of popcorn. Around age 7, I was declared 'cured,' the time linefor that is going 5 years without relapse, and to this day people still droptheir jaws at me when they find this out and look at me with sadness and wonderwhen they hear about it at Relay For Life dinners, but I feel so undeserving ofit because I don't even remember any of it. Like nothing. I waswaaay too young, but if you ask my mom, she'll spend the next two hours talkingyour ear off about the whole ordeal. She's the one who deserves the sympathy,not me. But no worries kids, I'm doing just fine. The only sideeffect now is that I'm black-listed with the Red Cross, I can't donate bloodever, which actually makes me really sad--I have so many friends who areperfectly healthy and who won't donate because they are afraid of needles, andI really want to and can't. Suck it up and save a life, stupidhead.

Well, that's all folks! Hope you enjoyed learning allthat random stuff about me. I would now like to pass along this award toseveral people whom I love and appreciate in the blogosphere:

Because I admire her spunk, Alice of Wonderland from DownThe Rabbit Hole.

Because she makes me laugh like a hyena, Tori from CrabbilyEver After.

Because we have bonded over boys and world-change, Jacquefrom Live with Intention.

Because she's a superhero-mom and writes about things thatmatter, Caitlin from Many Hats, Many Words.

Because he's become such a kindred spirit and valued friend,Shane from (500) Days of Shaneiferd.

I kind of like this blogger spotlighting thing. Ithink every week I'll start sharing links to some blogs that I'm connectingwith. I love this community so much, and there are so many more blogsthan just these five that have positively impacted my life, and they deserve tobe shared and read. Thank you for sticking with me, you guys. Youhave made this writing experiment of mine so much more meaningful than it couldhave been on its own. ;-D Love you long time.

Until next time, folks! TTFN, ta ta for now.

House O' Reps Say WHAT

2011-10-14T14:56:00.002-04:00

Um.

You guys.

I just vomited all over my computer.

Metaphorically, of course.

Please do some Googling and read the articles that are out today on how the House of Representatives just decided that passing the colorfully named "Let Women Die" bill was a good idea.

I'm a little speechless. And a lot supremely bothered by this.

Whether you agree with abortion or not, whether you would vote for or against it or not, this bill is just not okay. I'm really hoping the senate and Obama have their sleeves rolled up for this one.

Not-So-All Hallow's Eve

2011-10-13T11:50:00.001-04:00

So random story about my life real fast.

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. When I was a kid, I was fascinated by all things strange and grotesque, and to this day I retain my old morbid humor (seriously, play Apples To Apples with me, everything wrong and awful and terrible is what will make me laugh the hardest, and I will always pick the most inappropriate card). Halloween seemed like this magical time of year--autumn was arriving, my favorite season, and the concept that I could be someone else for a night was intriguing. I also loved the history of the holiday, all the stories about the dead coming to life and the passage between the spiritual realm and the living one getting thinner, I loved all of that stuff; I kind of wanted to be a paranormal detective, ever since the show So Weird was on the Disney channel (you know that was the best show ever), and I figured I'd be perfect for this kind of thing since I was this eccentric little spazola of a child and I felt like I had one foot out of reality all the time anyway. As I got older my personality and likes/dislikes changed, just like they do for everyone, and I noticed that even though I still enjoyed Halloween and all the cool stories surrounding it, it wasn't my favorite time of year anymore. I still enjoy dressing up in costumes that are authentic and amazing, don't get me wrong, you're talking to an actor and a costumer here, but I have a new favorite holiday. Actually, it's a season. If you guessed Christmas, then you would be correct, sir!

The reason I love Christmas so much is because it's not just the physical date of the holiday, it's the entire season of celebration and hot chocolate and sugar cookies and sneaky-present-hiding that leads up to it. One of my love languages is gifting--I absolutely love doing things for other people, surprising them with small gifts, or getting them that one perfect thing they would never expect for a birthday, it's why I celebrate birthday seasons, more time to honor and serve the person I love! (In fact, today is my stepdad's birthday, and I left a gift for him in his home office that he will hopefully get home from work in time to see and open... he's not a Believer when it comes to the Birthday Season Way Of Life, so he doesn't really care about today, but I DO, so I hope he likes his present anyway. Hmph.) But mostly I just love the atmosphere of the Christmas season. The air is a little more brisk. The music is more nostalgic. There are more fires at night. More reasons to drive long distances to see family and loved ones. It gets me thinking about the significance of such a time, the religious presence, the history behind the date, all that jazz--but mostly it just makes me realize how very much I love the people around me. And that's certainly something to celebrate.

So here's the story-from-my-life part: Halloween, while it was demoted from "Best Ever" several years ago, still remained a runner-up for Awesome Times Of Year where everyone joins in the fun of buying crazy costumes and having parties and baking cookies with ghosts on them (thank you Pillsbury). Until about two years ago, that is. You see, the last time I actually celebrated Halloween with any real hutzpah was two Halloweens ago, when I dressed up as a Ziegfeld Follie (a Vaudeville performer from the '20s). The people from the theatre department were having a party at the house of one of our company members off campus, and everyone was dressing up, and it was going to be hilarious and fun, like all the theatre parties are, but this year I was feeling less into the shebang than usual. I had just come off a really horrendous break up, if you can even call it that, it was so muddled and we were making it too complicated (that's a story for another time), but the main thing was that I was trying to show him how much I wanted to try again and he wasn't interested and wasn't telling me he wasn't interested so I kept trying (a recipe for lots of awkward with lots of heartache). All I wanted at that party that night was his attention. It was so stupid looking back on it, it makes me feel really idiotic, but it's true. I just wanted to have fun with him and kindle a new spark and things just weren't working out. Let this be a caveat to you all: guys, if you don't want to be with her, don't drag her around, just be an adult and tell her. Ladies, if you are on the end of this that I was, and he's not being honest with you, then do yourself a favor and cut the cord. Have more self-respect than I did.

You know how sometimes bad things happen in your life, and you associate them with something, like the time of year, the outfit you wore, the music you liked at the time, and then it becomes hard to look at those things the same again after the fact? I mean, how many of us have boycotted certain music after a breakup because it reminded you too much of the relationship? Well, that is what happened to Halloween. And it wasn't even because of the guy. It was because of a absurd misunderstanding that took place between a couple of my friends. There were a lot of people that were drunk at this party (not myself) and usually what goes on in these situations is contained; we're all friends, we take care of each other, no one drives home if they are unable, and look out for one another. Simple as that. What I didn't like about these parties though was that sometimes drunk people are idiots (probably ALL drunk people, really) and so sometimes stupid things happen because of stupid people being stupid. Long story short: the boyfriend of the hostess, who was falling over himself in an alcohol-induced stupor, kissed me when I was saying goodbye to him as my group left the party. I pushed him off, told him to go back inside to his girlfriend and to get some water, and promptly left. This event did not even stay in my mind for very long because I was so heartsick over the guy who had been ignoring my attempts at friendliness. The stupid kiss thing made it worse, because if anyone was going to kiss me that night, I would have MUCH prefer that it be the guy I was angstily drooling over than someone else's drunken boyfriend. And this guy was someone, and his girlfriend for that matter, who, when drinking at parties, I have seen kiss other people for fun, so it didn't seem like it was all that big of a deal to them. That is not something that I personally agree with -- my feeling is that if you are in a relationship, then relationship-type things, such as physical affection via the mouth, should remain between the two of you. If two people have talked about it and agreed that they don't mind that they kiss other people at parties while drunk, then okay, that's fine for them, but I don't want to be a part of it, thanks.

Fast forward two weeks. I've forgotten all about the party. But apparently someone saw what happened, misinterpreted what they saw, and told the girlfriend the next day after she was sober that I kissed HIM, who them promptly asked her boyfriend about it, who (to my knowledge) had no memory of the event and assumed it must have been true because he had no evidence otherwise, and then it all blew up in my face and I got a severely nasty email explaining that I was basically a traitor and no longer someone trustworthy or worthy of being friends with, and a few Facebook de-friendings later, I was out three friendships with three people I'd spent the last four years of my college career getting to know, and I was completely shattered. HOW had this happened?! I kept think over and over again, and no one would respond to my emails and everyone avoided me in public and in the theatre department and it became this monstrous issue that people talked about in whispers and would bring up to me, but everything I heard about what THEY thought had happened I heard from other people, not from them, because no one would talk to me about it.

I spent the rest of that fall semester in tears and terrified, because I didn't feel like I could be safe and comfortable anywhere I went, because I was having to avoid making contact with a girl who used to be my friend, her roommate who also used to be my friend, and her boyfriend, who seemed to go along with what she said must have happened, and who also stopped talking to me. It was such a mess. I lost so much sleep and peace of mind and spirit over this issue. I would never kiss another girl's boyfriend on purpose. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt people I care about. And it killed me to think that I was so easy for them to throw away, because I truly loved all three of these people, and it hurt for a long time afterward that I had lost them so quickly and without any chance to explain what had happened and to redeem myself. It's been almost two years. It still hurts to think about. And Halloween is, for now, just another reminder that three of my friends from college will go through the rest of their lives thinking that I did something malicious, hating me for it, when it didn't happen that way at all. I was innocent. And I got burned anyway because they were too cowardly to face me upfront about it. I still feel like if the girlfriend had just talked to me, given me a chance to tell her my side of the story, rather than the drunken hearsay she got, maybe things could have worked out. I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.

I'm the kind of person that hates to be misunderstood. It's not about conceit or about thinking I'm right about something. It's that the idea of someone hurting over something I did or said, whether it was intentional or not, just eats me up inside. I care about people so much. I care about my friends so much. And if one of them thinks that I did something hurtful, I want to do everything I can to make it right. It literally burns me up from the inside out if I can't make things better. And this was one of those times where, no matter what I tried to do, I got shut down at every turn. The girlfriend has made up her mind that I was to blame, rather than wanting to face the fact that her boyfriend screwed up, and if keeping him and losing me was the easier choice for her, then there's nothing I can do. This girl was someone I really cared about. Of the three friends I lost, she was the one that it hurt the most to lose. I've seen the boyfriend several times since. We did go to the same college after all, we still have mutual friends. And it's always awkward. Half of me wants to turn to ice and ignore him, shut down so he won't see how hurt I was by all of it; then the other half wants to just cry my eyes out and yell at him, screaming "Why didn't you just talk to me? Why didn't YOU come forward, you know that this whole thing is a big mistake!"

So Halloween has gotten lumped in with this whole ordeal. The memory of it, even at two years, is still a bit too fresh for me to be able to think on it without my heart still aching. I don't really feel like trying to celebrate this holiday this year, especially since I'm not around the people I would want to celebrate it with. I don't want to force myself to go out if I don't want to, but I'm also wondering: when will I get my entire life back? When will I be able to reclaim this holiday? I've gotten past the initial life-shattering pain, the 'why me?' stage, and the scars have closed and are healing. I just... I would rather spend this All Hallow's Eve in with The Man and a movie, with hot chocolate and tasty food, and maybe even some pumpkin-shaped cookies. I'm voting that next year is the year when I can reclaim it for myself. It just still feels too soon.

Have you guys ever experienced something like this? Losing a friend over something stupid, a misunderstanding? It's still hard for me to talk about. I don't think I can adequately express the magnitude of how upset I was over this. It divided our friendships. Group outings, parties, dinners: someone always went uninvited. Some of our mutual friends felt like they had to choose sides. I am fortunate enough that everyone I was close to believed me about my side of the story, and said that they knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't do something like that, and that they knew the boyfriend well enough to know that he might. I just hate the whole thing. It feels so absurd that things like that would happen. That friendships would end because people are too angry or afraid or whatever to just talk to each other. I wish she had talked to me. But, she didn't. So this is how things are now. And I'm continually seeking peace about it. I'm not still torn up over this, don't get me wrong--if I start thinking about it too much, some of the more potent emotions come back, but mostly it just makes me sad. Just really sad. (Oh, and by the way? The guy I was trying to impress that night? He took their side. Final nail in the coffin of our failed romance.)

I hope you guys are having a good day and have fun plans for Halloween. I don't know what I'm doing yet. Depending on our schedules, The Man and I may be separate and I may be spending it alone. But that doesn't mean I won't have ghost and pumpkin cookies. :-D Next post will have more cheer, promise.

A High Opinion Of One's Own Dignity

2011-10-12T13:27:00.000-04:00

This is one of the definitions of the word pride. It is also described as high or inordinate opinion of one's own importance and merit, a dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect, self-esteem.

You can look it up on dictionary.com if you don't believe me. But I think you will. First of all, pride isn't exactly a high-level vocabulary word. We've heard this term tossed around since grade school, and sometimes not always in the nicest context. To be prideful was to be arrogant, a braggart. To possess hubris (overweening pride) is considered a deadly sin! I'm pretty sure they even made a movie about it.

But here's what I want to focus on: look at that definition again. Most of what dictionary.com and Webster will tell you when you ask them what 'pride' means is a sincere sense of self-purpose. A feeling of personal importance. Self-respect. And more than once they have used the terms dignity and dignified. That's not so sinful, right? To be dignified? It's quite nice actually, it makes me feel all fancy like I get to go to the ball after all! I am a princess and I have fancy shoes on and a lovely gown and I'm walking slowly down the marble staircase, gloved hand resting lightly on the banister, posture perfect, head up and eyes bright, and the entire room is looking at my descent as if they were seeing Gabriel coming down from heaven and they all breathe a collective sigh as my feet touch the ballroom floor and I give them a smile. That's dignified, my friends.

Jokes about my celestial importance aside, I think having a true understanding of your own worth is incredibly important. It's what gets us up in the morning, what keeps us driving toward our goals, it's what gives us hope when it seems there is none left. Feeling like you are important. Like you matter. Like your life and your person, your heart, your spirit, mean something. And that's what I celebrated this weekend, folks. I attended the Atlanta Pride Festival Saturday afternoon at Piedmont Park, right in the middle of Midtown, and this is the emotion, the knowledge, the truth, that filled my heart as I walked around the park: pride.

One of the reasons I wanted to go to Pride was that the Human Rights Campaign tour bus would be there, and they are a group I would love to work with and for. The Man joined me in my search for the Equality Bus, wandering around the 189-acre park amidst thousands of people bedazzled in rainbow everything--top hats, feather boas, bead necklaces, even a pair of large feathery angel wings, and certainly more than a few speedos.

The sad part about the whole thing was that we never actually found the bus! I was pretty disappointed. The park is full of winding trails, lots of trees, a small lake, and everyone was so spread out and there were so many vendor booths and stages and tents, we just somehow never made it over to where the bus was supposed to be before we had to leave. But have no fear, it's okay, I'll get in touch with these people somehow! I really wanted to just talk to them about ways I could be involved where I could use my artistic talents. The HRC has tons of employment opportunities and internships, but so far none of them have been in an artistic-outreach area. Theatre is certainly a great vehicle for getting information to people in a very real and human way; if you pay attention at all to what is happening in theatre, film, even general media, you know how big an impact talking about social issues have on the public. I just wanted to talk to the HRC reps and see if they have a need for anything like that, or if they could point me to some resources or organizations I may not know about. I'm totally gonna email them. "Hey, uh, so I missed your bus... I can haz sticker?"

This picture does even do justice to just how many people were there, and how very spread out everything us. Immediately behind where I was standing for this picture was a long ring of vendors' tents, selling all kinds of carnival foods and offering information for different organizations. The colored tents for the people watching the shows that were happening on that Coca-Cola stage waaaay in the background went on to left and right forever it seemed.

This circle of vendors' tents went on for like a mile, seriously. I was very excited to see a number of gay-friendly churches among the attendees.

I told you it was in the middle of park. Gotcha that Atlanta skyline. Beautiful weather for it, too.

Even though I didn't get to see the HRC bus, I still enjoyed walking around looking at all the booths and seeing the colorful people with their various states of costumed dress. There were so many people and traffic was so insane trying to get there--we had to park about ten blocks away and walk from the car. The walk leading up to the park was wonderful, though, because there were large rainbow flags hanging from all sorts of establishments, billowing fabulously in the wind, with colored balloons everywhere and streets vendors with carts of rainbow clothing for sale. It was fantastic.

As we walked around, The Man posed this thought: "I wonder where all the picketers are."

I responded with a "Puh-SCUSE me? Why would you want there to be any picketers?!"

"I'm not saying I want them, I'm just saying I wonder where they are, if there are any."

I thought about this as we continued walking--and you know, we never saw any opposing forces inside or outside the park. There were several well-placed policemen and women at some of the LGBT establishments near the park, but it looked so relaxed, like they were aware of what was going on, but nothing seemed to be a danger to the completely normal afternoon. There was even a little old man standing outside one of the entrances to the park with a large sign that read, "God's love is for everyone." What a comforting sight--the complete lack of fired-up anti-gay groups. It made me incredibly proud of my city. I literally swelled with pride as I walked around, seeing all these regular people, just hanging out and enjoying themselves, no one worried or afraid or nervous. Everything felt so normal. What an occurrence for Georgia, huh?

I just love that everyone was flying flags. Businesses. Homes. Churches.

Outwrite, the LGBT bookstore and coffeehouse on 10th Street.

THIS PICTURE IS MY FAVORITE. Please notice the ACTUAL RAINBOW going between the rainbow flags stand and the HRC headquarters flag across the street. You rock, Universe. "Double rainbow all the way across the sky!"

Seeing so much solidarity was so encouraging. Especially because Georgia is not exactly known for being super friendly to the LGBT community, at least in legislation anyway. I looked up the Georgia laws on this topic through the HRC website and was surprised to learn a few things.

--In Georgia, if you are gay or lesbian, you MAY adopt a child, but only if you are over 25 years of age and are single.

--In Georgia, if you are transgender or transsexual, you MAY amend your birth certificate to reflect a sex-reassignment surgery and/or name change.

--In Georgia, if you are gay or lesbian and want to get married, it is NOT legal in this state to obtain a marriage license; if you are married in a state in which it IS legal and then come into Georgia, the state does NOT recognize the validity of your marriage as long as you are within the state's borders.

--In Georgia, if you are of middle or high school age and are attending a state school, you are SOMEWHAT covered by anti-bullying and harassment laws. There is NO EXPLICIT statements in the law about gender identity or sexuality, but there ARE provisions against violence via bullying and harassment.

--In Georgia, there are currently NO EXPLICIT statewide legislations that protect people from discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation.

--In Georgia, same-sex partners are NOT given authority to make medical decisions for each other unless they have a directive; an adult MAY execute an advance directive appointing his or her domestic partner as a health care agent. The directive must be in writing, signed by the declarant and witnessed by two individuals.

Kind of makes you think, huh? I personally believe that all people should have equal rights, and that they should not be discriminated against based on personal aspects such as gender or orientation. I would not choose to live in Georgia based on it's legislation in this area, but I do appreciate how large the community of LGBT supporters and allies is, in Atlanta at least. It gives me hope that maybe these laws will change soon. New York has set the East Coast rolling... we'll see how far south it goes.

I would encourage you to check out your state's laws regarding this matter. Whether you agree with my point of view or not, it is still good to be educated about where you live and what laws are being passed with your votes. You can go here to the HRC site and research your state.

I am so passionate about this subject, you guys.

I care so much about the rights and safety of all people, because I believe that everyone matters. No matter who you are, what you have done--you are still a human being with a heart and a soul, and you have worth. Sometimes this is a hard belief to uphold. I believe that the women in Syria who have been beaten, repeatedly raped, brutalized, murdered, dismembered, and then delivered to their families in pieces matter. And the men doing all of these things to them? As evil as I find their actions... I also believe, as hard as it is, that they matter. I sobbed into my Man's arms the other night because of this issue, it affects me that much. I've even lightly considered the possibility of going to graduate school for gender studies rather than acting--but theatre is too much a part of who I am. I want to reach the world with my words, with my performances, with my art. It's the best way I express myself. And I want to express how I feel about issues like these. I'm thinking of visiting my alma mater and having a meeting with some of the womens' studies professors to talk about how to bring that into my graduate pursuits. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life beyond help people through theatre, but it's a place to start.

I hope this post helped you understand me a little bit more, and maybe even to get a new perspective on Pride in general if you don't know much about it. For me is boils down to this: I believe in God. I believe in people. And I believe so completely and irrevocably in Love. And I think it's perfectly fine to have a high opinion of your own dignity. If you don't... who will?

I'm interested in your thoughts. Whether you agree with me or not, I'd love to hear what you have to say. Thanks for being wonderful, my friends. You can count me as an ally.

I Have Attractive Friends

2011-10-11T22:36:00.001-04:00

I will be making my stories about attending Atlanta Pride a separate post, because it warrants its own time and space, and because I've learned that if you overload Blogger with pictures, it will commit suicide on you mid-blog. Thus, a slight delay. Something to look forward to! And hey, it's National Coming Out Day, so certainly a well-timed event!

This weekend I had the immense pleasure of spending time with one of my favorite people on the whole planet: my soul sister, kindred spirit, fellow hot chocolate warrior, and college roommate Carmanda. (Yes, that is a nickname, and it's mighty catchy, so embrace it, people of the blogosphere!) Carmanda is an incredibly fantastic, gorgeous, phenomenal, talented person who has been attached to me via the left hip since we met several years ago during a production of Twelfth Night. She is an artist, a bloody good one, and deserves all of your admiration and dollars. She asked me to take some photos of her for use on her blog, since she has no nice headshots, or really any pictures of her that don't show her covered in paint (as is her usual state), and since I Like To Think I'm A Fancy Photographer, I said of course! I fancified her face with some makeup, which is always fun to play with as an actor (the possibilities of scars, broken noses, and black eyes are endless!), and we headed out into a lovely autumn dusk to do some posing. Here is the beautiful Carmanda in her artistic glory:

Um, hel-LO, how hot is she?! That's right. Go on and drool.

You know you want to be her friend.

I also got to take some adorable pictures of Carmanda with her man, because most of the time they make crazy silly faces at each other (not unlike My Man and myself... or Carmanda and myself...), so their collection of cute pictures is limited. But not any longer, I say! How fabulous are these two, like for reals, yo?

Also, sepia is fun to play with.

Also, black and white.

Also they exist in color.

FAVORITE. DONE.

So reasons why you should check out Carmanda's blog:

A) Um, hello, did you see those photographs? Frickin' gorgeous. Pfft.

B) She's HUH-LARIOUS. Seriously, this girl has got snark and wit to spare, except that she won't spare any, because she's too busy using all of it being awesome. However, you are certainly welcome to share in her awesomitude whenever thou likest by simply going here.

C) She is a painter, drawer, writer, jewelry maker, general queen of talents, phenomenal improver and actor, and also she rocks at belly dancing. Why haven't you drooled on her blog yet?

D) She's currently finishing up the artwork for the first issue of a series of brand-spankin'-new graphic novels that will soon hit the world with glory and perfection, so you should jump on that bandwagon now, because one day she'll be famous, and you're gonna want to get a piece of that action when she does. And by 'piece of that action,' I mean buy her stuff. Don't be gross.

E) I'm recommending her. What more do you need?

Monday Morning Whine Time

2011-10-10T11:18:00.000-04:00

So a real post, regarding the cool stuff I did this weekend which includes attending Atlanta Pride (I do enjoy rainbows) and seeing a production of Macbeth, shall be shortly forthcoming.

However, at the moment, I reserve the right to whine a little.

You've been warned.

My house is not suited for overnight guests. The 'spare room' that used to be a guest bedroom has long been an office for my stepdad, since his one at work just wasn't enough, and so having people stay over is not really convenient, because the only place for them to sleep is on the couch in the living room downstairs, which is certainly big enough and comfy enough, but it's DOWNSTAIRS which is where EVERYONE walks through in the mornings when they are getting ready to leave for school/work/etc. and also that is where my DOG is kept and she sometimes whines in the wee hours of the morning because she apparently thinks that 4 AM is totally a legit time to want to play and bounce on her squeaky toys, and so when someone, say, The Man, is visiting, and thus sleeping on the couch in the living room, he has to endure the morning routines of my dog being inconsiderate of how noisy she is and also my parents and sister getting up and walking through to the kitchen and slamming doors and banging stuff on the counters and opening and closing our stupid super-loud creaky front door a bajillion times, and all of these things he is fine with because he's just a stand-up kind of guy like that (reasons why I love him), but it just makes ME feel terrible because even if he never says it, I know it's annoying and it wakes him up and it just makes me feel like I'm the worst hostess ever, especially on mornings like THIS one, where, geez, everyone is my house was up and loud and annoying and stupid and we have an extra dog because we're watching her for my aunt and uncle and this dog is so needy and DOES NOT UNDERSTAND that constantly whining and pawing at the doggie gate all hours of the night only makes me hate her rather than want to cuddle with her, and it even further ruins the sleep of The Man, and also, my stepdad, who usually leaves the house super early, was home when I was leaving this morning, and felt the need to start yelling at me about being late to work, this of course taking place downstairs in my house where my boyfriend is trying to sleep thankyouverymuch, and I so love being yelled at and humiliated on Monday mornings, and I ESPECIALLY love when my stepdad-sorry-BOSS follows me out to my car and starts saying things like, "If you were working anywhere else, you'd be fired by now if you were getting to work late like this," (and just for the record, it was 8:50, and work is ten minutes away, so I don't know why he jumped the gun on the 'you have to be there at 9 or I'm disowning you' kick) and after he yells this at me while I'm trying to get to my car, which is blocked in in the driveway so I have to play Musical Vehicles real fast, I start effing crying because when I am being yelled at unfairly, especially first thing in the morning, I have no composure and no way of stopping the unwelcome waterworks at the injustice of it all, and I drove to work feeling stupid and whiny and idiotic and like I hated the world and rehearsing my I quit! speech that I wish I could actually give to him and my face was all puffy and tear-streaked and now I'm at the office and thank god no one else is here right now so I can sit and stew and drink my coffee in peace, also it's raining outside and I'm freezing and the heat isn't working and I just want to quit this stupid job and move out of my stupid loud house immediately and never come back.

I hate it you guys. You've seen me write about this job before, where my biggest complaint (other than the soul-sucking desk work) is that I work for a family member who is always stressed out and just does not understand the concept of leaving work at work and home at home. I hate getting lectured about chores while I'm on the job. I super hate getting lectured about invoicing at ten o'clock at night when I'm going up to bed. I'm just so done with this arrangement. I wish I could quit, I really do. But no one else is hiring! I mean, what have I been doing the past ten months since graduating from college??? Applying for job after job after job and NOTHING and I know I sound like a broken record here, but it's just killin' me folks, and something has got to give soon or I may just become a wandering homeless nomad because I will eventually just get in my car and drive out of this state and keep going, even after I've run out of gas and spent all my money. I'll look like Forrest Gump when he did his cross-country run and his hair was all grown out and crazy. Maybe a group of True Believers will join with me and we'll cross the country in homeless-nomadic-style together and attract a lot of press attention and start a revolution called Occupy Random Highways.

And the sad part of this whole thing? I hate being a complainer. I do actually care about doing a good job at work. I want to do well and to help make this company function because I know how important my work is to the whole machine, and I do actually want to make my stepdad proud, but this yelling and guilt-tripping and "I'm The Adult And I'm The Boss And I'm Always Right And You Are The Child And The Lowly Employee And Therefore Always Wrong" crap has got to end. My patience is waning.

Sorry to put a damper on your Monday if you were having a good one when you started reading this. I really hope you guys are doing better than I am at the moment. But, I have coffee, I have a chance to sit and breathe, The Man is helping to calm me down by assuring me that the madness of this morning was 'fine' and I 'shouldn't worry about it' but I know he's just being nice and I appreciate that about him, and so I'ma go breathe and chill out and recharge my batteries. You kids are great. Go kick Monday in the face for me, would ya?

Gold Vs. Copper!

2011-10-05T10:57:00.000-04:00

So lately I've been feeling the itch for some change.

Mainly in my appearance.

I have lived all my life with dark blond hair that hangs straight down my back and does nothing else, no matter what I try to do to it. Only a small few people have ever managed to make my hair curl and not straighten back out in five minutes, and by 'small few' I mean three. Literally only three, two of which were professional hair dressers, the third being one of my best friends from college who just so happens to own at styling everything. But yeah, so back to the point of this post!

You guys have probably noticed by now that this is what my hair looks like. It's not a secret. I post pictures of it. If you've gone to my website, you've seen several pictures of me with this exact same hair style. And while it might be attractive on me, it does have a tendency to get old. This is all my hair does. And sometimes, I just want a change. The straightness of it is a constant, not a variable, because even when I was in the eleventh grade and got a perm to impress a boy, it only looked awesome for two days before it washed right out and was straight again. Yeah, never spending money on that ever. SO what is the variable I'm working with here??? Why, COLOR, of course!!

This is what I actually look like now:

And this is what I look like when The Man gets a hold of this photo and decides to play around with photoshop:

And you know? I kind of like it. A lot.

When I was a kid, I used to hate blond hair, I thought it was so boring and completely un-exotic. I had tan skin and green eyes and thought that if I could just have red or auburn hair, that I would be so fabulous and gorgeous that I could rule the world! It's possible that episodes of Batman influenced this. Who doesn't love a fiery redheaded villain, right?

I've played around with going brunette before, but never red. So I posted this image on facebook just to see what the consensus would be on To-Redify-Or-Not-To-Redify, and the response was overwhelmingly in favor. Not one person has said to stay blond. Which is kind of hilarious.

So I'm asking all of you kids, my lovely esteemed blogger colleagues, for your thoughts on the matter! While it may not be akin to saving the world, it is a small decision that could change things for me a bit. Changing my hair color like this, in such a dramatic way, is not something I should do lightly unless I plan on reversing it shortly thereafter, since I have an agent and a brand and headshots and to everyone in 'the biz' I'm a blond which is a certain type and certain first impression, and this redheadedness will change all of that, and I will need to speak with my agent on his opinion of going red and staying red if that's what I want to do, BUT--I also like the idea of just trying it out for a while and having the best photographer ever do a fun photo shoot with me. Because, if nothing else, having some alternate looks in my portfolio couldn't hurt, right?

Bottom line: What d'ya think? Stay gold or go for red?

Taking A Stroll

2011-09-30T21:30:00.000-04:00

GUESS WHAT I DID TODAY.

BOOM.

That's right. I swang. I did swing. I have swung. Be jealous.

In addition to the fantastic swinging experience, I wandered around a small park that is by my house. Today had perfect just-about-to-be-autumn-in-Georgia weather, warm sun and a deliciously cool breeze. It was nice to just take an hour after work to relax, breathe, feel some fresh air move in my lungs. Also swinging. I frickin' love swinging.

And I love old wooden bridges.

And I love outdoor classrooms that remind me of those simple days in third grade where getting to sit in the sun during history lessons was the best thing that could happen in a day.

And I love gorgeous majestic trees and crunchy-leaf-covered paths and bright sunlit patches overhead.

Also I love really neat sunspot pictures.

And I love having the opportunity to be nostalgic about a really nice memory. After graduating from high school, my boyfriend at the time and I had a lovely and tasty picnic on this very deck overlooking the modest creek that lies below. This was where we exchanged our graduation gifts to one another--and he gave me a really fantastic gift. A USSR Beatles tie (because who doesn't love the Soviet Union as an accessory?), with a piece of paper attached to the back that pictured the seating chart from the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. On this little piece of paper were two tiny highlighted seats in the eleventh row from the stage for a showing of Jonathan Larson's RENT. I distinctly remember letting out a squeal/scream of delight. (Actors love getting tickets to shows as presents. Hint hint wink wink nudge nudge.)

And I love picturesque places to read on sunny afternoons.

And I love that autumn is finally starting to happen here. Georgia likes to only recognize two of the four seasons: sweltering summers and bitter winters. It got above 100 degrees several times this summer (and my trusty Monte Carlo is without air conditioning a-gayne) and when the winter comes, we don't even get the luxury of snow. Just ice. Lots and lots of seriously upsetting black ice and finger-falling-off lows in temperature. Brr. But THIS, my friends, THIS is just a little taste of autumn while it lasts.

One thing that makes autumn so special for me is that it feels like the world truly comes alive. I've never associated fall and winter with death and barrenness--for me it's like the earth finally shakes off its layers of conformity, where everything is green, and bursts into daring flames of color and personality, each unique and unlike any other. Like this tree here: the entire thing was a brilliant green except for this one little brave bohemian. I felt as if I were looking at a living metaphor of how I've been feeling lately. Being an artist and doing what I'm trying to do for a career is very different and it's certainly got a lot of risk tacked on to it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a sore thumb, something different stuck in a sea of normalcy, I'm the unemployed leaf surrounded by the successful foliage. It gets lonely when you feel like you are the only one out there. And when autumn bursts into flames all around me, I'm reminded that there are so many others just like me, all different, all unique, all searching and hoping for the perfect break. It's a physical reminder of the phoenix--reborn from the ashes of its flames. This is a concept that is very near and dear to my heart, as I lived through a spiritual and emotional burning two years ago and have come back stronger and better ever since. "I Rise In Flames, Cried The Phoenix" is the name of a play by Tennessee Williams that I was fortunate enough to act in while in school, and the mantra has stuck with me. I even have plans for a phoenix tattoo that will be designed by my best friend and college roommate. Rebirth. Renewal. This is what autumn represents to me. And I am so in love.

I'm ready to come alive.

SETC, Or, The Last Time You'll Hear About This 'Til March, Or, Famous People Are Genius!

2011-09-29T11:17:00.004-04:00

It's here! It's here! it's finally here!

It's the last installment in my SETC postings!!!

So let's just jump right in, shall we?

(You can find the first and second SETC posts here and here.)

Prepare yourselves for the third and final installment of SETC: Attractive Famous People Know So Much More Than I do!

(And yes, I am aware that every time I've talked about this post, I've called it something different. Deal with it.)

- - + - -

Sunday, September 11th:

1:00 pm – 2:30 pm: The BUSINESS of Acting: Tom Miller - AEA, Clayton Whitfield – The Show Hub, Angie Harrell - AEA
Actors will learn what it takes besides great acting skills to make them successful in the field. This session will look at the business of marketing yourself as an actor; including marketing yourself online, publicity, the dos & don’ts of online profiles, how to create and use them and current trends in headshots.

In the beginning, I thought the Stella Adler class led by Don Williams would be my favorite. But it is very distinctly possible that that is a lie. THIS class may just have turned out to be my favorite.

Why oh why, you ask?

WELL! The three professionals running the workshop were, first of all, amazing and brilliant and fantastic and hilarious and so open and friendly, and I want to invite all of them to dinner and eat bread and drink wine and play cards with them. But mostly, there were just real and honest and genuinely interested in learning about us, the actors seeking their wisdom, and sharing whatever helpful information they could. I thought this class would be very lecture-oriented, where I would be feverishly taking notes on the finer points of the business side of this industry, and in a way it was; but the workshop as a whole kept coming back to a very conversational discussion between the three proctors and those of us sitting on the edges of our seats regarding the very nature of who we are as people, and why we want this so much. It became less about 'dos and don'ts' and more about really knowing who you are as a person, and how that knowledge can help you be a better artist and businessperson. It felt a little like a massive light bulb in my head, that was only halfway on, was getting brighter and brighter by the second. It was slowly dawning on me that, yes, everyone in this business gets afraid and worried and frustrated and has moments of severe discouragement, but the way to combat that is to continue to ground yourself on a rock-solid foundation. You. Invest in you, get to know you, be as secure as you can possibly be in you.

I'll resort to bullet points to hit the finer lessons of the afternoon, since there are quite a few and I know I've already asked you to read a whole novel just with these posts alone. (I like to write/talk, okay?)

Three things that will make you successful in your business!
- Spend less than you make
- Invest aggressively and wisely
- Work smarter, work harder

These things seems like no-brainers, but it's essential for actors because our bodies and voices are the businesses here, not a building with computers that we go to and then leave every work day. You are a small business, you have to think like a small business owner.

Money management!
- Save AT LEAST 10% of everything you make
- Check out "Priceless" by Dave Ramsey

Clayton Whitfield, the CEO of Showhub, was talking to us about this section, and I laughed out loud when he mentioned Dave Ramsey--he said, "Have any of you heard of a guy called...?" I laughed because that is alllll I have heard about from my parents for like, the past two years, seriously. They have been following the Dave Ramsey approach in our family's personal finances to get debt-free for the past two years and it's been helpful for them, so my sister and I get earfuls on the guy quite often. Clayton also gave us some backstory on his life and career decisions, and how his acting career was ultimately ended by not learning to manage his money well, to the point where he and his wife were broke and he had to turn down offers from his agent so that he could go to his soul-sucking 9-5 day job just to pay the bills. He is much better off now, and is the CEO of his own successful online company, but his acting days are over. It's scary, folks. Money management is important. I'm trying to get better at this myself.

Online presence!
- Anything you put online, profiles, personal site, etc: It needs to work with your type and create a good preview of you, who you actually are, not who you think you are or who you'd like to be
- Demo reels should be only 30-45 seconds long; attention spans are short, and good performance ability is evident in only a few seconds, you don't need to make a 3-minute long home movie to showcase your talents; weed out the fluff and make it count. And make your own! Don't spend a thousand dollars on someone to do this for you; grab some friends, make your own, make it look professional, save yourself time and money and get something out there to represent you.
- LINKSLINKSLINKS! Know where you are online, because you better believe the people casting you will check. If you have a personal site, link to Actors Access, link to Showhub, link to Facebook and Twitter if you want, but make sure you know what you are putting out there--be professional. A casting director who looks you up may find you professional on your site until they end up seeing those awkward pictures from last weekend on Facebook.
- "How protective are you of your brand?" Social networking sites have privacy settings. Use them.

Invest in your network, in your company!
- "Don't invest in your cable each month and not in your education." There are probably tons of classes being offered in your area for performers, so check them out and then make the financial investment to take one. The people and the studios that are really legit don't charge an arm and a leg, so check prices carefully and don't get scammed. Most places will also let you audit a class for free if you just ask. Don't spend money on eating out and on your cable bill and then whine about not being able to afford something that could advance your career. Prioritize. Manage your money better.
- Invest in your training, in refueling.

You are always creating your reputation!
- Update your reel! (Especially easy to do if you do it yourself.)
- Have a good relationship with your agent!
- Refer other people to your agent, ask your agent what he/she is looking for right now, and bring them some undiscovered talent. Vouching for people strengthens that relationship with your agent because you are valuable to them and it helps your friend who may have gotten passed over get some face time.
- Be genuinely engaging and yourself in cover letters and in correspondences and thank-yous to companies, agents, casting directors, et cetera.

Headshots!
- "Do you know who you are?" Don't market yourself as the rugged, shirtless hero if you are, in fact, the genuine, quirky sidekick. Show up looking like your picture. Your headshot should represent you, what you look like and who you are as a person, not some airbrushed concept of a futuristic and perfect you. Auditors expect what they see in the picture to be what walks in the door. If you don't match your photo, they may not like what they see.
- Everything you do in your branding (website, pictures, etc) and in your auditions should represent YOU. (Can I say it enough?)

When in an audition...!
- Take care of the people casting/auditioning you while you are there, meaning...
- Make it easy to cast you
- Take stock of yourself: Are you seeking gratification for being an actor when you walk in the door? Actors are pretty sensitive; positive words will stay with us forever, negative words even longer. If you walk in desperate and looking for someone to give you recognition and gratification for what you do, then you appear unsure of yourself and needy.
- Someone who walks in to an audition needy is hard to cast. You need to make it easy, remember? Go in confident and comfortable, completely in the moment, be sure of yourself, and do whatever you can to take care of those people behind the table or the camera--offer them everything they are looking for.
- Love what you are wearing.
- Love what you are performing.
- Write down who you auditioned for in an audition log--chances are you will audition for someone more than once. Be mindful of how you appeared, what material you performed, keep that connection, make sure they have a good memory of you even if they didn't cast you.
- "Can you leave the audition at the door?" Don't go in imagining how this credit will look on your resume before you've even started the audition. Again, don't be needy. Do your best while you are there, and when you leave, leave the nerves behind you. Don't go home and brood and worry and wait by the phone. This won't change whether or not they cast you, all it will do is give you grief and hurt your psyche.
- "If the display by the door isn't selling, then change the display." Is what you're doing working? Is it getting you noticed/remembered/hired/cast? If you're doing the same things over and over and you notice that you aren't getting anywhere, then change what you are doing. It's just good business sense.

Figure out your type!
- "Are you Miss Smiley Face? Miss Dark and Brooding?"
- "Do you have the patience to figure that out about yourself? It can make you vulnerable to be that in touch with yourself, but it also very empowering." Take the time to understand who you are and even who you appear to be to others. Make this a strength, not a weakness.

- Read for a casting session if the opportunity comes up. It's great experience and helps you make connections with other actors and the people running the audition.

"This can be a very isolated business. Don't do it alone."

Classes, teachers, colleagues, friends in the industry--these are resources that you can use to bounce material off of, to get advice and perspective from, to have a support group and community with. Invest in yourself, but also invest in the market. These are the people who can be friends and mentors to you. Don't do this on your own. (This was a really good lesson to learn for me, because I've been so 'on my own' during this process in the past few months, and it really shakes your confidence and your perception of how well you are doing. I need to get into a class, get together with some other actors and work on material, do something to connect.)

- - + - -

2:30 pm – 4:00 pm: Being Camera Ready: Tom Thon - Creative Studios of Atlanta, Angie Harrell - AEA/Alliance Theatre/Georgia Shakespeare Festival/Synchronicity Performance Group
Theatre and Film industry Pros share what it means to be “Camera Ready” and why it is so important. Get first hand advice on what you should NOT do and what you should do. Polish your image by learning the How’s, What’s, and Why’s needed to be “Camera Ready.”

Going from the stage to the screen!
- "When theatre actors, who are trained to do things bigger so that the back row can see them, are told to 'bring it down' for the camera, that is a MYTH. It's not 'bring down' the energy, it's a change in physicality. Nothing changes about the sincerity and energy with which you are doing the scene, but instead of projecting to the back of the room with sweeping hand movements, you can lower your voice and use a smaller gesture, while still achieving the same emotional effect."
- Do. The. Work. The 'work' is the preparation, the character development, the scene study, the script interpretation. Have the work as the base, always, for any medium, stage or screen. It's the same emotional experience, the same work, you just have to adjust to the medium. It's a library versus a train station.

When working with cameras!
- Ask questions, feel ownership about what you are doing. If you are unsure of something, just ask. It helps THEM GET a better version of you when you are more confident and sure of what you are doing and it helps YOU GIVE a better version of what you can do.
- "Shall I use the lens?" Who are you talking to? Someone off-screen? The cameraman? Or are you looking directly into the camera? Where's the focus of your energy?
- Don't be TOO memorized! It helps you to make better adjustments when given direction if you aren't too stuck to the script.
- Clothing: NEVER black and white, wear solid colors, complementary colors that look good on you, something you feel comfortable in.
- "Give them as much info as you can without being artificial." They want to see you in the role, but they also want to see who you are.
- "SPOON-FEED them!" Like with any audition, take care of them, go in confident and prepared and give them that you are exactly what they need.

- - + - -

Attending this whirlwind weekend of information and auditions was a very enlightening experience for me. Just being in the company of so many other people who care about exactly what I care about was enriching and encouraging. I felt like an actor again, you know? I had a community of like-minded people again, a support group that was automatic, and I could strike up a conversation with anyone and we already knew each other, we were already friends. I think the biggest pieces of wisdom that I have been and will continue to take to heart are the concepts of knowing who you are and not doing this alone. I feel very separated from the community since leaving my theatre company at college and I've been trying to do everything by myself, which does not always help you get better. I need to realize more fully who I am, and know that that person is great and it's okay for auditors to see this Emma who is passionate and genuine and quirky. I've gotta french-kiss the fear. Leave discouragement behind me. And invest in my career.

Tom Miller of Actor's Equity said this memorable phrase: "It's a fine line to nuts. We are creative people, so it's good that we're a little different, a little weird, but 'crazy' is not something you want to be. No one likes to work with crazy people. So take care of yourselves and keep your heads."

Thank you for sticking with me to the end, guys. Sorry it took so long to get this post up. I hope, if you managed to read through all three of my SETC posts, that you took something away from them as well, even if you aren't an actor. I think a lot of the things that were discussed about how to take care of yourself professionally are great things to know for any field of work. If anything specific jumped out at you and has been helpful, please let me know. I'd love to know what you guys think!

PATIENCEISHARD,GUYS.

2011-09-28T10:49:00.000-04:00

What's difficult about waiting is the 'waiting' part.

The Man and I have had several conversations surrounding this topic lately, and each time with talk about it, we feel like we're talking about something different, something new, but really we're not; it's just the same old thing over and over. We are both unhappy with where we are in life. As far as placement and job security is concerned, anyway. John Green, an author and Nerdfighter Extraordinaire whom I love, said in a vlog he made for his YouTube channel that the first two years after he graduated college were the worst two years of his life. The reason for this being that when you graduate, you have this lighter-than-air feeling of accomplishment and opportunity, and the wild blue horizon stretches before you seductively, just waiting for you to take that first step into plunging headfirst into the rest of your life. And then you take that step. And another step. And forty-two-thousand more steps, and you start to notice that that horizon is always far-frickin'-away, and never seems to move any closer. This is the moment when your grin begins to falter and you start taking slower, more cautious, more anxious steps, inbetween the ones where you just start bookin' it, running wildly, flailing your arms and sounding your barbaric yawp, only to come to a stop and realize that that didn't change or help anything either. You are in a desert. And the horizon is a world away. And you aren't actually getting any closer to it. What gives, Universe???

You guys know what's I've been up to. I graduated last December and ever since have been working days at my stepdad's company and spending most nights auditioning or submitting or applying or whatevering, doing everything I can think of to try and find a job in my field, something, anything. The Man graduated in May and since then has been at his home in Asheville doing everything he can to find a job in his field of graphic design and filmmaking, something, anything, and so far to little avail. We've been floating through our seasons of discouragement and craziness together, trying to build each other up, find new solutions, basically just keep ourselves afloat with the knowledge that we aren't the only ones, even though it certainly feels like it sometimes. He was sharing with me last night some stresses regarding this issue, and I noticed that it was the same conversation we'd been having for months. The same old questions keep popping up:

"When will I find a job? Will it be meaningful? Will I be able to afford moving out into my own place? Will I be able to figure something out before grad school? Will I be able to even get into a grad school? Am I just invisible? What the hell, world?"

And I said to him-- "All I want right now is just to have some freedom, my own space, to find something worthwhile and artistic and meaningful to fill my time with, and feel like my life is moving forward, and to not feel so stuck."

And then I realized--that is what I will want for every day of the rest of my life. That desire to be doing something productive that I enjoy, to have the freedom and space to move around as I please, the feeling that I am not suffocating in circumstances of a bad economy or a dwindling post-graduate bank account. This is not going away. Even when I do eventually (hopefullypleasedearJesus) land that great acting job or theatre gig and have my own apartment or house and I am living in another town, state, country--there will probably still remain this desire to keep moving, to feel like I'm working toward something, that I'm not just stuck.

Does that ever go away? Will I ever get to sit back and relax, breathe a sigh of relief, put my feet up, and sip my glass of wine or sweet tea or chocolate milk or whathaveyou, and think -Yes, Today I Am Accomplished-? Maybe I will get to do that. But will it be just a moment? Just one day? Even maybe just one week? Will there ever be a period of time where I feel like I've done as much as I can and I have reached 'Success' and therefore have no more work to do? Hah, probably not. And I think that's okay. Things are always changing. We as people are always changing. And I think that's a good thing. Honestly, if I ever DID get to 'Success' and then the rest of my life was just over--well, then what? Nothing? I'd like to be continually moving and working and changing and learning for the rest of my life. I just want to know that in the middle of all that toil and stress and waiting are a few really blissful moments of I Did It And For Now I Am Done...Until The Next Thing.

How are you guys dealing with this kind of stagnancy? I sincerely hope you aren't feeling as stuck in quicksand as I am, but if you are, and have secrets on how to deal with it as time passes (time I feel like I'm wasting, sigh) I would really appreciate them. It gets so bad some moments that I end up looking at myself in the mirror and thinking... Am I just a bad actor? Like, do I just suck? And no one's told me??? Having self confidence can make all the difference in the world, but even the most confident of persons, after almost ten months of nonstop work and so far no successes to show for it, will falter just a bit.

While you think of awesome and fantastic things to comment with, I shall leave you with the video by John Green that I mentioned. You should probably follow him and his brother Hank on YouTube. They are phenomenal.

I Can Haz Sick Day?

2011-09-26T11:17:00.000-04:00

This weekend was so chill.

Saturday I got to eat lunch in a pretty park and go to a used bookstore that I like to haunt on occasion, for they have a rare and collectible books section that I stalk for great deals on super old novels, and I ended up discovering a collection of Henrik Ibsen's plays from 1936 for five whole dollahs. Hi-oh! I am awesome at bargains.

I got to spend my afternoon in this delightfully chill and indulgent way because the audition I thought I had was cancelled last minute because the director decided he had cast everything, and I was like, pffft, you haven't even seen me yet, but that's okay, because I didn't really feel like getting up and driving downtown to audition for you anyway, waaah. (It really was okay, I had like zero energy.)

Then the rest of Saturday, post random book shopping trip plus lunching outside in the beautiful almost-autumn weather, I put on PJs and I sat in my bed and I made use of the godliest thing in the internet these days, instant queue on Netflix, and OH BOY YOU GUYS, like all of Law & Order: SVU is on there and you know how much I want to be Olivia Benson, also marry Elliot Stabler (after he gets some anger management counseling, o' course!) and now that I know this, that at least the first eleven seasons of the best cop drama of all time are free and available to me whenever I want them, I may never leave my house again. Bye bye productivity, hello crime in NYC.

Saturday night I actually surfed through the movies on Netflix before discovering my beloved SVU and decided to watch something I've never seen before, and came across "Boys Don't Cry" from the late '90s and decided to give it a whirl, since it had Hilary Swank on the cover and I do enjoy her as an actor. Holy cow, what a movie, kids. If you haven't seen it, and are at all interested in gender identity as a topic of discussion or are an advocate for gender equality, you should definitely see this movie. It's based on a true story and seriously is the best acting I've ever seen from Hilary Swank.

And Sunday? Did Sunday even happen? Oh yeah, I felt awful and icky and gross and blech and spent literally the entire day in my bed with Elliot and Olivia and I am just barely functioning at work right now, wishing I were home in bed with my two favorite detectives still. But I must press on, because I can't make any money if I don't go to work, and I can't go to my audition tonight that I just got confirmation about last night if I'm dead, especially since Actors Don't Get Sick.

I have another audition at the Alliance tonight! For Medea, a heartwarming story about a mother's love really, and I'm pretty excited about it. And you know what? I am taking the advice of that disagreeable director from my Alliance audition last week and I am working on making a truly great impression tonight with my well-thought-out and prepared scene of a monologue, and most of all I am just looking to be honest and real and true and myself. This isn't even a paid production, but if it's an opportunity to work with the Alliance, then I'm game. Also, I just can't say no to Greek tragedies.

So while I am at work feeling fevery and icky and freezing every two minutes, I wish you all well and hope that you are most certainly not feeling this way at all, and I hope you enjoy this photo I got for you. It made me giggle. Cheers!

This is so me. So much me in this photo right now.

Sidenote Real Fast

2011-09-23T16:33:00.003-04:00

I am a seamstress.

I am in the market for a fantastic dress form.

AND THIS IS THE ONE THAT I NEED.

I feel like if I were turned into a vintage-inspired couture-chic dress form, this would be it.

Feel free to pitch in and get this for me for Christmas. I would love you forever.

Dinner At Midnight: A New Trend?

2011-09-22T12:14:00.000-04:00

I feel a little like I've been on sensory overload the past three days.

Monday's audition went okay, I belted my little voicebox out, and somehow managed to hit all the notes, even if it wasn't the best I've ever done, but I was not called back for the following day. Eh, you win some, you lose some. If my voice had been stronger, I would have gone with a different song choice, one that might have served me better for this environment and showed a more dynamic range of what I can do--I just can't quite do it these days what with my vocal cords committing suicide every other minute.

Tuesday's audition was... interesting? This one was at the Alliance, a theatre that is very well respected in Atlanta, I mean they've got a Tony for goodness' sakes, and I was really flattered and humbled and honored and crazyexcited that they invited me to a general call. This was one of those come-with-what-ya-got-and-blow-us-away types of auditions. I showed up with two monologues that I love and the song I should have sung Monday night--I had been testing my voice and I was able to make sound happen, so I decided to just go for it. The song part was a cappella anyway, so I had a little more freedom to take my time and not strain anything. I went in feeling good about myself, feeling comfortable in my clothes, loving my material, ready to just have some fun and hopefully make a good connection with a theatre company I so admired and would love to be a part of. But I am not entirely sure that either of these things happened the way I would have liked.

This was one of those times where, you know, you show up at school to give a big presentation and you feel really confident about what you've put together, then you do your thing, and you smile at the teacher and your classmates like you just scored a touchdown, and then the teacher stands up from the back of the room and proceeds to discount everything you just said by telling you all of your research was wrong and as she's telling you all of this, and stating the obvious ways you could have done things better, it slowly dawns on you that, oh, right, wikipedia is NOT a reliable source to be using and you should have known all along that the juvenile pie chart you made just looks stupid and you feel your face reddening and all you want to do is go [headdesk] somewhere private and just forget it ever happened while finishing off an entire batch of cookie dough. Yeah. That feeling.

I performed my two monologues, I felt like they went well, I got a few laughs during my comedic one, I had their attention during the more serious one, and when I finished, the director looked up and said, "Okay can I give you some feedback? I just want to address a few issues." And of course I'm like, yes, PLEASE give me feedback, I so appreciate that, and then she proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong with the first one, that she thought it was 'confusing' (ouch) and that I should 'probably not be using it as a monologue' (super ouch). The second one she liked better as far as the material goes, but she offered some ideas for how I could have staged it better, a different way of setting the scene, creating more of an environment for my character and the person she's talking to rather than just monologuing at the director's table. Everything she suggested for this one felt like a big shoe dropping in my brain, because what she said was actually really helpful and made me think, well DUH Emma, geez, why didn't you see this before? God you're stupid. It wouldn't have been so bad except for the part where the director really seemed like she was just in a bad, impatient mood and was in no way enjoying spending her day watching a bunch of chumps parade their acting chops in front of her. Everything about her attitude and her tone just said to me, "Yeah, okay, I've done this so much longer than you and I have so much more knowledge and you know that, so don't try to come in here and impress me because it's just not gonna happen, so just do your stuff and then please leave and don't even try to shake my hand because I just don't do that kaythanksbye."

So there I am, standing there trying to keep my composure, sincerely thanking her for her feedback, while inside I feel my confidence crashing a little bit, and I'm thinking Oh no I just ruined this audition, I feel so stupid and so much less prepared than I thought I was, what have I done? Did I just ruin my chances at ever performing at the Alliance? The director finishes her statements with, "But no, you did great, you performed really well, just, you know..." And I am simultaneously thinking Okay Emma don't apologize for your performance just because it didn't land the way you wanted and Dear Lord please kill me now. Then it was time to sing. And I thought, you know what, shake it off, it's time to do something just for you. Just do it for you, just be honest, and let it come from the heart, and just forget that they are even in them room in front of you. So I centered myself, I took a moment to close my eyes and breathe, my mouth and throat feeling very dry from the embarrassment I just swallowed, and I focused my energy. And I sang. And I am happy with the way I sang. I feel like I sounded good, my voice felt fuller than it had in weeks, and I just did it for me. Of everything I did in that seven minute period of time, the song was, I think, my best. After I finished, they said thank you and I was free to leave. On my way out, I did my best rendition of I Am A Real Actor Who Is Professional And Composed Even If I Don't Feel Like It and took my time to even my pace and walk out of the office like a normal person, not someone who is running scared into a hole to curl up in the fetal position and whimper. One of the other actors waiting in the holding room told me she thought I sounded good as I passed her, and I said thank you, a genuine thank you, and I headed toward to the elevator bank to get outside and get some air.

What the director said to me wasn't wrong, even if she was in a bad mood. She could very clearly see something that I was blind to--that I have fallen into a 'monologue rut.' This can happen to even the best of actors if they fall into the wrong set of circumstances; going from an environment of a full theatre company, where you are a part of a family, where you are constantly surrounded by stimulation and people to work scenes with you and push you to find new nuances and to be better, to being miles away from anyone who is also an actor and can work with you on material, to having to work character development in your bedroom at home when your parents are out so they don't complain about the 'odd noises' you're making, to feeling like you've just stepped in quicksand and there's no one around to save you from the Rodents Of Unusual Size that are surely about to chomp your face--that's what I feel like. I've gone from having so many human resources to help challenge me to having almost none, and I've lost the sense of how to prepare a monologue the way you should prepare a two-person scene. Even if I'm the only one up there, it is still my responsibility to take that material out of its context and then rebuild it for the auditors, to create a whole scene with stakes and a sense of place and time and urgency. I failed to do that on Tuesday. And it feels like a very rookie mistake that I should not be making. It's time to take Ken Feinberg up on his offer and audit that acting class. Then find the money and time to enroll into one full time. I need it. My spirit, my heart, my investment into the company that is me, needs it.

Last night's audition went the best of all three. Although, I did arrive at 7:30 for my 8 PM call time and ended up not being seen until after 9 and then wasn't dismissed until they read me again after 10, so I got home after 11 feeling very exhausted and very hungry. Spaghetti and garlic bread at midnight? Oh yes please. I actually felt like last night was going to end up being a bust because so many of the people that were there are in the current production, and they kept getting to read with each other over and over, so those of us who were new were left sitting in the lobby with our sides, trying not to fall asleep or die from boredom or just get up and leave from hunger and the feeling like we'd been forgotten. I'd sat through worse, though, so I was content (stomach not included in this) to sit and wait it out until they told me I was free to go. Which ended up being a good thing because people kept getting told to leave until it was getting past 10 and I was one of the last four people there. The director, who also happens to be the playwright from this post who left me a personal call back message on my phone (that I still have saved shamelessly in my voice mail), came out and asked me to come talk to him, and he assigned me a scene to read with a new partner and said that after this one we were free to go and thanks for sticking around so late, yada yada yada. So my new scene partner and I got together for a few minutes to go over the material, and I was like, let's make a bold choice, it's the end of the night, let's try something different! So we made a plan for a small piece of physical humor and then we had fun with it. And we did, we went in, we had fun with it, I felt like we connected really well, our characters came alive, the physical humor we added got some great laughs from the director and the playwright, and I feel really good about it. The way the director said "thank you" was really encouraging--he said it slowly and deliberately, as if we had just presented him with a gift, with something he really needed, and no one else that night had even come close, like he was sincerely grateful for what we had just given him. I feel like, if they don't decide to go with people they already know from the current production, I have a shot at this show. Either way, it was a good night, and I'm glad I got to do that scene. After the face-palming reminder on Tuesday that creating a real and complete environment with my scene partner was necessary for telling a genuine story, it felt good to put it into practice with another human being. So whatever the outcome of this audition, it was a good night. And finally getting to have dinner at midnight was a glorious occasion for my belly.

So yeah, if you stuck with me to the end of this long-winded and possibly poorly executed post, I thank you for your patience and interest. I am steadily working to finish the last SETC post so I can put that short-turned-long series to bed, and I have a few other things I'd like to share with you once I have the time in the evenings again. I have one more audition this weekend, on Saturday, and possibly some for next week--those are in the works. I'm pretty sure tomorrow night's gonna be a Lion King 3D kind of night, even though I hate 3D with so much passion and fervor, but I just can't say no to the call of James Earl Jones on the big screen. I hope you kids are doing well and have a relaxing and enjoyable weekend ahead of you. TTFN, ta ta for now!

In Which I Use Run-On Sentences

2011-09-19T10:57:00.000-04:00

So I am sometimes terrible at doing several related posts or series' of things, reasons for this being that I get busy and can't do all of them in succession the way I'd like, or life happens and I want to write about it as it's happening, thereby again breaking the successionary order of things, and for this I apologize, but I'd like to think that what I'm really doing is just building your anticipation and increasing your salivatory response to my blog updates, similarly to the way Pavlov conditioned his canine friends.

In short, things have been a tad busy. Also, I may have replaced blogging over the weekend with two marathons of Law & Order: SVU, and can you blame me? Olivia Benson is my hero, also I would totes marry Elliot Stabler, but only after he gets some anger-management counseling.

I have four auditions this week. The three from the last post I mentioned plus one more for a graduate student film from Georgia State University, and that audition is happening this Saturday afternoon. Wahoo! Hooray for a non-paying fantasy short film with graduate students! Should be interesting and hilarious. (They did say they'd buy us lunch, that's a win-win right there.)

So tonight's audition is for OnStage Atlanta, for a jazzy musical that I shall elaborate more upon when I get the part (hi-oh!) and I am supposed to show up this evening for my seven o'clock slot ready to belt my little 32-bar-heart out, and what do I wake up to this morning??? A SORE THROAT. As if my already swollen vocal cords aren't bad enough. But I'm not gonna let this get me down, ya know why? Because I'm still passionately lip-locked with that fearsome adversary, and if he wants to play dirty, then I'm totes breathing on him and giving him my germs as pay-back, because I WILL ace this audition, and no one can tell me I can't, thankyouverymuch!

At some point this week, I will get the final SETC post up, because I do actually want to finish writing it (see, at least I started it! It's saved in drafts!) whether you guys care about it or not, because the information I learned has been so helpful to me already, and I think if you give it a chance it might just be enlightening for you as well. Especially if you are going into an artistic career where you are basically self-employed, but it's the kind of wisdom that crosses more barriers than just the career one. It's solid advice for life in general, and that's the best kind.

Alrighty, I'ma go get some hot tea and forage for some sore throat meds to hop myself up on for the afternoon. You should make me feel better by leaving me a nerdy math joke in the comments. You'd be my bestfriendforever if you did that. Cheers!

It's Kind Of A Big Deal

2011-09-15T11:59:00.000-04:00

YOU GUYS!

Exciting news!!!!

The final SETC post is on its way, but I just HAD to break in to the posting stream and announce some awesome things that are happening!

So first of all, I am always looking for new theatre auditions to attend. I keep up with all of the online postings and am constantly checking the audition newsletters that I sign up for for theatres around town so that I can go to as many as I can, because let's be real, all I really want right now is just a chance to be on stage again--and maybe even make some money doing it! So I am once again employing Don Williams' fantastic advice and I am french-kissing that fear all over town. We're so all over each other, people are starting to gossip.

So I submitted myself for an upcoming audition at OnStage Atlanta--you've read about my exploits there a few times. I've auditioned there twice before and been called back by the playwright. No castings just yet, but I am hopeful. So I've been invited to audition next Monday evening at 7 PM to audition for a musical. I am willing Dionysus (basically the god of theatre, also of revelry and wine, if you didn't already know that) to bless my vocal chords again so that I can belt out my 32 jazz bars and wow the crowd. Callbacks for that show happen the next night, Tuesday the 20th, by invitation.

A day after submitting for the musical audition, I saw another posting for the same theatre for a straight play that is auditioning on this coming Wednesday, the 21st. I was like, sure, why not, doin' it, DONE, hey how you doin' fear, ooh la la, you so fiiinnneeeee..... (ahem.) And I was invited to attend that call, as well! So Wednesday night I have an audition at OnStage again for another show, this time directed by the playwright that called me back for his show a few months ago, at 8 PM.

Then last night I get TWO emails that are of exciting opportunistical importance!

The first being from the director of the MFA acting program in Italy I told you guys about in the first SETC post. I've been sending out thank-yous to all the awesomely famous and talented people I met just to say how privileged I am to have met them, et cetera, and just yesterday he sent me this lovely letter:

Hi Emma,

This is [fancy dept chairman name] from Mississippi University for Women. MUW is the school which offers the MFA in Physical Theatre in collaboration with Accademia Dell-Arte in Arezzo, Italy. I really enjoyed your audition and meeting you last week at SETC. Have you given some more thought to applying to our program? Please let me know if I can answer any questions for you. Also remember that we will be accepting our next class for fall 2013.
In the meantime check out this address which will take you directly to the MFA site.
http://www.dellarte.it/

I know that you will have many options as you begin to consider the decision of where to attend graduate school. It is very important that you choose the program that feels right for you. Whether you choose to study with us in Italy or elsewhere, I will be interested to learn of your decision. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

[fancy dept chairman name]

ps...I just got your card a few minutes ago. Thanks.

Guys, I may have teared up.

A real, live graduate program in acting, in ITALY no less, wants me to keep them in mind, because they like me, because they think I did a good job at SETC, because they saw something in me that makes them want me for their awesome European tour-de-force of a program. Is this real life? Is this what it feels like? Success? Glimpsing the possibility of your dreams coming true?? I am in awe, I am humbled, I am so grateful, thankful, beside myself with tears and emotion, maybe a little irrationally, but to me it just feels like finally, finally something good is coming from all this hard work and hell I've been putting myself through.

This gives me hope.

My final piece of fantastic news is that I received confirmation this morning of yet another audition, this time on Tuesday the 20th in the afternoon. I have been invited to audition at the Alliance Theatre in Atlanta. You guys. If you don't know what a bigfreakin'deal that is, then please just go look them up, because it is a HUGE deal. This is a Tony award-winning regional theatre, a theatre that normally hires fancy Equity people, of which I am not one, and all those resume packages with my heart-felt cover letters that I sent to them I assumed were just gathering dust somewhere, but lo and behold, I have been INVITED! WAAHHHOOOO!!!!!! Oh yeah! I'm the jam! Yeehaw!!!

SO here's my week!

This weekend: Preparing for three separate auditions!

Monday the 19th: Audition for musical at OnStage Atlanta (singing 32 bars of a jazzy tune)

Tuesday the 20th: General audition at the Alliance in the afternoon (singing 16 bars a cappella, performing two contrasting monologues) with the possibility of a callback for OSA in the evening (cold readings, singing with other peeps to see how we harmonize together)

Wednesday the 21st: Audition at OSA for a straight play (readings from prepared sides from the show)

Life in general: Maybe go to Italy for graduate school? Schwhat?

I love all of you so much. Thank you for reading along with me as my life has taken its many crazy twists and turns to get me to this point, this day, this plateau of hopefulness and opportunity. I have 31 followers as of yesterday, and I am astounded at such a number. I'm not so concerned with garnering more and more followers, but the thought that so many people, most of whom I do not even know in person, would care enough to stick around and hang with me is so uplifting and meaningful, and I hope each and every one of you knows how much I appreciate that. Thank you. Oh so much.

SETC, Or, What Awesome Famous People Told Me That Changed My Life

2011-09-13T13:13:00.002-04:00

The best thing about this weekend at the Southeastern Theatre Conference was attending the workshops. In a matter of two days and only four workshops, I feel like I learned so much about how to move forward in this industry and how to prepare myself for what it is I want to get out of it. If you can believe it, I feel like I have a better perspective on myself, as a person and as an actor, because of what was discussed in these sessions. I will do my best to share some the wisdom I gathered here with all of you. I have about ten pages of notes from the weekend, so bear with me--I may break this up into several posts so you don't die from reading too much.

- - + - -

Friday, September 9th--

5:00 pm – 6:30 pm: Actor Crossover Training, Ken Feinberg - Creative Studios of Atlanta
Improve your job prospects by learning other aspects of the business such as voiceover work, modeling, teleprompter reading and commercial acting. By utilizing your acting skills in other fields you will strengthen your resume and expand your repertoire in the entertainment industry.

First of all, Ken Feinberg is just a fabulous human being. He's a pretty large guy, tall and broad-shouldered, and looks like he would fit in to my family of Irish Boston-native hockey player relatives just fine. He's also got a shaved head and a gotee, so this look pretty much cements him in my mind as someone who could certainly hand your behind to you if you ever tried to face him in a fight. Just sayin'. What's great about him, though, is that he is so open and friendly. As soon as he meets you, he treats you as if you are his best friend already. When he makes eye contact with people, he really looks at them, really sees them; at first it was a little intimidating, you know, we're all novices sitting in this room trying to be confident but still terrified about our own lack of knowledge, and here we are, being put on the spot right from the get-go. But it was refreshing to meet someone so honest and intellectually available. He had us laughing and feeling comfortable within minutes.

Ken has done so much over his career in entertainment--he's acted, directed, produced, he's pretty much done it all, and currently runs his own studio in Atlanta (which I will definitely be checking out) where he has everything from acting classes to screenwriting workshops to a recording studio for voiceover work to casting services. He gave everyone in the session cards that are good for a free class at his studio, and you better believe I will be making use of that. You guys have probably seen him in stuff before, without even knowing it, because he's done a ton of commercials and a lot of sci-fi stuff where he was covered in crazy make-up. If you are a fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Ken played the Chaos Demon; he also made an appearance in Star Trek: Enterprise as an alien ship captain.

This workshop mainly dealt with learning about the other ways you can make money in the acting business. Ken clued us in on some acting opportunities for film and tv that aren't normally thought of when you're out in the world trying to be an "actah," but even if these things aren't Shakespeare, they WILL pay the bills. We talked about commercials, industrial films (corporate training videos), voiceover work, hosting, the different types of print modeling, et cetera. Ken was very adamant about making sure we knew all the different avenues available for the working actor, because he firmly believes that it IS possible for an actor to make money without having to wait tables. (<-- This was the mantra he kept repeating throughout.) I definitely learned things I hadn't heard before, so this was a very informative workshop. In addition to the new stuff, Ken supplemented with good 'ole fashioned common sense, as well as some general comments on how to carry yourself in this industry.

In regards to professionalism: "You are always making your reputation. Work begets work; if you do good work, you get remembered, then you'll be more likely to be called in again. We're all a little crazy in this business, it's why we're in it, but people don't like working with crazy people, they like working with sane people. Do a good job, be easy to work with, and you'll keep getting hired."

When Ken asked the room if anyone had an agent, I was surprised to see that I was the only one to raise my hand. He asked who I was represented by, and when I told him my agent's name, he laughed and said, "I know him, we've been friends for years! He always tries to get me to go have beers with him after work. You tell him that if he doesn't send you out all the time like he should, then he's going to have to answer to me." It was too funny. And what a small world!

Ken made some comments regarding agencies: "You know what the joke is in LA? 'Why do agents get 10%? Because they only do 10% of the work.' The point is that you are a working actor with or without the agent. You don't get to slack off just because you have an agent helping you."

An interesting fact about print modeling: "Female models make up to nine times more than male models do every year." (At hearing this, I though, wow, you never hear the numbers come out that way, in favor of women, but then I thought about what makes up most of print modeling: attractive bikini-clad vixens, anyone? Apparently pretty ladies sell stuff better or something. --Should my feminism be intrigued or bothered by this? Hmmm...)

Ken also shared some insights from voice-over king Bob Bergen. If the name doesn't ring a bell, then maybe "Porky Pig" and "Tweety Bird" will strike some recognition (also basically every character in Space Jam). Ken relayed to us Bob's 'seven steps' for making it in the voiceover world. I think these steps are perfect crossovers to other aspects of entertainment, really any industry, so I made the phrasing a tad more generic:

1. Invest in regular training.
(Such as an acting class, working with a vocal coach, etc.)

2. PRACTICE.
(Duh.)

3. Have confidence.
("Practice confidence," says Ken. Being confident in yourself and your talents is something you have to work on. It doesn't come naturally.)

4. Set achievable goals.
(Don't beat yourself up when you don't hit the mile-marker you want. Set a goal that you have to push yourself for, certainly, but don't set one that you know you can't reach, it'll only bring you down and shatter your confidence. See step #3.)

5. Have realistic expectations of yourself.
(See #4. Knowing where your strengths and weaknesses lie is key to knowing how to challenge yourself. Knowing who you are is paramount for this. If you keep setting that bar ever higher, to where you can't possibly ever reach, then you're only doing yourself a disservice.)

6. Listen/watch/observe the work of successful people in the business you are in.
(Bob was talking about listening to clips of established VO actors, but this applies across the board. If you want to be a good writer, you should read good writing. If you want to be a good actor, you should observe and study good acting. And so on.)

7. Take advantage of every free resource you can.
(This is a great one--if there's a free workshop, go! If there's a professional willing to sit down with you for an hour just to talk, take him or her up on it! If there's an unpaid internship for a great company that could get you experience, why not?)

All in all, this workshop was really informative and enlightening. My favorite part was probably Ken's hilarious stories of working on set with other famous actors you guys would definitely recognize. This guy would be great at a party.

- - + - -

7:00 pm – 9:00 pm: “New Techniques” Acting Workshop, Don Williams - Stella Adler StudioYou can never stop developing your skill base in this field. Whether a seasoned performer, emerging artist or professor, here is a chance to spend 2 hours learning the acting techniques utilized at Stella Adler Studio in NYC. Led by Don Williams, Associate Head-of-Acting, this hands-on seminar focuses on the investigation of action, environment, given circumstances, relationship and need using the imagination. Analyze and present text offered by the instructor during the seminar.

I may have drooled on everything throughout this entire workshop. Don Williams is gorgeous and genius and the perfect successful male version of myself, at least I'd like to think of it that way, and I can't be more appreciative of the time I had with him last Friday night. His perspectives on theatre and performance are so in tune with mine, I was nodding like an idiot bobble-head doll at everything he said. (I hate it when you meet really awesome people you admire and you then inevitably turn into a blithering fool.)

Don Williams was introduced to us by his associate Steve White, both of whom were representing the Harold Clurman Laboratory Theater with the Stella Adler Acting Studio. Recently, Don has been in LA teaching at the Art of Acting Studio there. Both of these men looked so polished and savvy with their nice tan skin and their distinguished silver hair and their fancy jeans and shoes. (You know, like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.) What was hilarious was that Don started the class off by saying, "I actually didn't know that this workshop was called 'new techniques' until I got here. 'New techniques'... what does that even mean?" Don talked to us for a little while about his experiences and how he came to be such a believer in the 'Stella Adler brand' (my term, not his) of acting. His boss is actually the grandson of Ms. Adler herself, which is pretty cool. (Side note: For all the non-actors out there, if you don't know who Stella Adler is/was, for god's sake PLEASE just google the woman. She was and is a generation-changing pioneer for the art of performance.) He talked about 'experience versus imagination,' acting based on experience (the Method via Lee Strasberg) and acting based in imagining (Stella's approach). Don is an advocate for imagination, as am I. The point of the workshop, he told us, was that he wanted to focus on specificity and creating relationships on stage.

"Specificity is next to godliness. The more specific you are on stage, the closer you get to god."

Don also talked about a concept that really resonated with me: inertia and fear. When you are inert, when you stop moving forward, fear begins to breed and cover your life. "When you leave college and all of a sudden you aren't doing as much, moving as much, that presents an opportunity for fear to really take hold and kill your motivation." (This was one of those times where I became an idiot bobble-head. 'Unemployed terrified actor, party of me!') And then Don said something that had the entire room in chuckles, and sends me laughing every time thereafter: "You've got to french-kiss the fear! It's not about being afraid and somehow learning to stop, that's not what happens, EVERY actor is always afraid of not getting the role, of not being good enough, of not doing their best. But it's learning to not only face that fear, but to get in it's face and then stick your tongue down it's throat." I am happy to have you know that for the rest of the weekend, definitely right before I walked on stage before the graduate panel, and certainly for the rest of my life, I repeated this mantra: I am going to french-kiss the fear. Hello Fear, how you doin'? Can I buy ya a drink?

For the next hour and a half, we worked scenes. Don went around the room with sheets of paper and had every person write down four random lines of dialogue between two characters. Then he passed out the papers, making sure no one got his or her own, and we got into pairs. Together, each pair had eight lines of dialogue that we were to arrange in any order we wanted to create a short scene. Through this exercise, we were to take that tiny glimpse of a conversation and create fully-embodied characters with a real and tangible relationship to each other. Each scene got up to perform for the class and Don worked with each pair to alter the relationship, add something to it, give it more depth. Each pair performed two to three times, and every time something new and more poignant was created. It was really interesting to watch and to participate in. I loved every second of it. I got to play, I got to get up and create! It was awesome.

Going to a workshop like this was definitely exactly what I needed to get my creative juices flowing the night before an audition, but it also only served to firmly ground me in my desire to go to graduate school. I want to continue my education. I want to continue to grow and change and create in this way, and I want to eventually teach these things as well. I want this so much.

"It's not about realism, it's about a relationship that's real. Creating something that makes the audience lean forward in their seats, to want to leave behind the voyeurism and join in, to be a part of it."

- - + - -

I'll leave it here for today. Tune in next time for the final installment of: SETC, Or, How I Became A Better Person Because Famous People Paid Attention To Me.

SETC, Or, How I Survived On No Sleep At All

2011-09-12T15:53:00.000-04:00

It is the end of my marathon weekend of auditioning and workshopping at SETC in Atlanta and I am celebrating this joyous conclusion of events in the sports bar at the Hilton by drinking a massive Coke and eating such delicacies a mozzarella sticks, a cheeseburger, and french fries! Comfort food of the gods.

Oh, you guys. This weekend has been so informative and interesting, and I really feel like I got the "learning experience" I came for. The fall convention is much smaller than the spring one, so I had more opportunities to meet new people and really make some connections, finding some familiar faces and discovering new ones with whom I have mutual friends. Overall, I consider the weekend a grrrrrreat sook-cess! (Yes, that was a Scottish accent you just read.)

Let's start with the audition:

Hello, dawn, on the morning of my audition. You look nice. Although the Hilton apparently needs to wash the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor.

Gotcha that murky version of the Atlanta skyline on a Saturday morning.

It's ground zero at Audition HQ.

I ended up wearing the teal dress, which I felt pretty in, although I was fighting with the top part of it all day long, as it apparently thought more cleavage was the right way to go, so I'm going to have to work some sewing magic on this thing before the next function I wear it to. I am wearing the purple dress today, which always makes me feel chic and fabulous, and I'm wondering now if maybe I shouldn't have just worn this one instead of fighting with my breasts all day--as was discussed in a workshop I attended today, wearing something that is comfortable and indicative of who you are while still being professional is king in these circumstances. Stupid boob-dress.

This is my audition face. No wonder I don't have a job.

Anywho, there were only about forty-two auditionees for the graduate auditions, with a couple of no-shows, so the auditions didn't take very long. We were split up into two groups and I was the first person in the second one, so I got to lead off the auditions for everyone after me. I've never been first in these mass-call type of auditions before, so that was exciting. I got to get up and do it and then just sit back, relax, and watch everyone else, which was kind of nice.

***Please excuse me in this post. It is now Monday, I am finishing this post at work, and I am almost face-planting at my desk right now because of how tired I am, so I hope this is cohesive. Isn't that a word? That works, right? Cohesive? Adhesive? Coadhesive? I'm tired. I'll know more about vocabulary when I wake up...***

Uh, yeah, so where were we?

Here's what I looked like on Sunday 'cause I'm awesome and I decided, even though my auditions were over and I was going to workshops, that I would still be cute and stuff:

I'm so cute.

I'm so mysterious.

I'm so awkward.

If these pictures are any indication, I think next time I'ma just wear the purple. And stand in better lighting. That way I'll look more attractive when I do my warped-mouth-gasp face.

What were we talking about again?

Oh yeah.

Anywho.

So, I may save the What I Learned In Workshops post for when I am slightly more awake, but at least now that I am updating, you guys will know that I made it out alive. Even if I only got about three hours of sleep.

::cue face-plant into keyboard:: aowiefjaldkjlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb....

Honestly, the whole weekend was a really great experience. I do feel like I learned a lot, and that I now have a better grasp on how to proceed in graduate auditions (slash auditions in general for life) and I feel rejuvenated because I actually got to have some fun, to play around, to be on stage and perform, to meet fellow actors who are friendly and who instantly care about you because you are one and the same with them. I did not get as many callbacks as I thought I would--I only got one, actually, which had me disappointed at first, because I saw so many other people getting multiple, but then again, this is the first time I've done this, I had had to change my song at the last minute so that I wouldn't blow my voice out (and praise be to Dionysus, the Universe DID bless me and give me a strong, full belt that hit the back of the room for two-point-five whole minutes! Then it swiftly took it away again) and even though I felt like my performance was really good, I think there is better material out there for me for next time, and besides, A CALLBACK, no matter how few, is still A CALLBACK! And by a school I hadn't even considered really, but I may start...

The Accademia Dell'Arte is a theatre performance graduate school in Arezzo in Tuscany, Italy. It is partnered with the Mississippi University for Women (a REALLY misleading name for a school, since they've been admitting men since 1982) and is a two and a half year MFA program in physical theatre, based solely in Europe for the duration of the degree. There is only one place in the US to get an education like the one you can get at this place (and it's California, of course), because it is so based in the comedia dell'arte and European style of performance art, so attending a program like this, especially one set entirely in Italy (and for a semester, Germany!) would be frickin' spectacular. I was very surprised to be called back by these people, but intrigued nonetheless, and went to the call back meeting wide-eyed and fighting through my exhaustion and extreme hunger from lack of a proper lunch break. What's so great about the relationship between MUW and the Accademia is that since admission to the Accademia is through admission to MUW, you can still apply for American financial aid, meaning the FAFSA and all that jazz, and it will still apply to the European campus. The program at AD'A is relatively new for MUW, so it doesn't have the luxury of full graduate assistantships yet, but they're working on that, and they do have some smaller compensations available. Their next incoming class isn't until fall of 2014, so if I really want to go there, I have plenty of time to figure that out. It sounds like a perfect program for me (there's an entire summer of CIRCUS TRAINING, for goodness' sake! As well as a semester of mask work!) but I don't know how I feel about leaving the US for 2.5 years just yet... I was always thinking of attending school in the country, you know? It was just the default thought, like going to Europe would be so amazing and I really would jump at the chance if it was really a viable option, but it seems like such a dream that is too lofty and too expensive for me to achieve that staying in the US just made sense. I mean, let's be real: I want to travel. I want to go to Europe, especially, and Italy and Germany would be so fantastic. I just didn't expect to be offered the opportunity to leave everything I know behind for several years like that. But I don't know--if nothing else, learning about this program is opening my eyes to just how many options there are out there for an acting MFA. And it's really nice to know that the director of that program saw something in me that made him write my number down on his call back sheet.

I think that's about all I'm qualified to stay awake for, kids. Thanks for playing. Stay tuned for the next installment of SETC: What Awesome Famous People Told Me That Will Make My Life Better.

Pictures Of Stuff I Made

2011-09-09T01:16:00.000-04:00

First off, the new business cards!!!

They are so glossy and fancy and they TOTALLY have my agency on the back. BAM.

Secondly, my new fancy postcards!!!

These are so I can send out thank-yous to casting directors and important theatre-type people, and they will have a nice little way to remember that I am attractive and therefore they should totally hire me. I am pleased with this plan.

I'm pretty excited about these new promotional tools. You better believe I have stacks of each ready to take with me this weekend. Hopefully I'll get a few business cards in return!

I also mentioned in this post ages ago that I was undertaking a few sewing and craft projects for the betterment of my wardrobe, and here are a couple of the final products!

These shoes were given to me as a belated Christmas present by my college roommate. She found them on super-sale, they were in my size, and they were so comfy and fabulous, except for these rally tacky and awful fake rhinestone brooches that were sewn on to the toe. I decided to remove the foul jewelry in favor of a prettier and more interesting piece.

Who doesn't love purple pumps?

And those are real pearls on top, too!

I also found some time to make this dress, which might be my new favorite thing ever. The fabric for the bodice came from a $7 clearance rack find--it was a tube dress that was just so unflattering, but I loved the floral pattern, so I took it home and turned it into something completely different. The skirt is so flirty and full and fun and billows out when I spin, which is always a plus.

Feel free to commission me for work. I am so game.

That's all for things I've made--now for things I have purchased that you should vote on!!!

The audition for grad school is Saturday, and while I want to look positively stunning and yet swimmingly confident, I also want to be comfortable and feel beautiful. I have two dresses that achieve all of these things, and I need your help in deciding which one I go with. Note that both dresses are made of a heavier weight jersey knit, so no matter how much you throw them around or stuff them into a suitcase, they will never wrinkle (hallelujah!).

The first dress is an a-line in teal, with a deep-v that sports some cleavage (almost a little too much, I'm going to have to get creative with my undergarments to keep things looking appropriate), a ruched waistline that sits at my natural waist and cinches in, and a long flowing skirt that really moves well with me. This is the age-old 'fit-and-flare' option that is always flattering, yet sometimes overdone and can look like every other cookie-cutter auditionee in her fit-and-flare dress. Now, obviously, talent sets people apart better than clothes do, but this is just from an aesthetic perspective. I like the look of the teal against my skin and with my blond hair and green eyes, so even the color is flattering. This dress makes me feel classy and put-together. It is the perfect go-to for any occasion.

But is it 'me?'

The second dress definitely has more personality, which I love, but it might be a tad 'too' different for this occasion. It's a different shape, a cinched waistband that falls right at my natural waist but with a straight skirt on the bottom that hits just above my knees, shorter than Dress Number One, and with less flare. The top is also blousier on this dress, but there's no problem with too much cleavage, the neckline hits me at just the right place to be flattering while retaining modesty. The dress is, however, a one-shoulder piece, with a blousy 'sleeve' on the right side that gives some nice movement and flair. (The single strap you see in the photo is just to hang up the garment, it will not be present on the body.) The purple is also a color that I absolutely love, I am such a fan of the jewel tones, and deep violent with olive skin, blond hair, and green eyes is a winning combination! This dress makes me feel fabulous and a touch high-fashion. It makes me feel like I get to show some spunk, but it is not necessarily suitable for every occasion.

But is this more 'me?"

Both dresses would be paired with these heels--

Franco Sarto nude pumps. So much more attractive than the average character shoe.

--and minimal jewelry.

Both dresses are fabulous and I feel good in each one, and it will all come down to me trying them on and rehearsing a bit in them Friday night to see if one feels better than the other. I feel like the tried-and-true teal dress is something I can't go wrong with, but isn't this exactly the audition at which I would want to stand out? Maybe strike a little personality and flair with my wardrobe as well as my talent, and perhaps go with the the gutsier dress? You guys let me know what you think! Teal vs. Purple!

A Thousand Words

2011-09-07T14:57:00.000-04:00

Today's post comes to you mainly in pretty pictures.

You're welcome.

When you last saw me, I was dealing with a small identity crisis of stress and and anxiety, worried about my voice, my ability to perform, my general sanity, et cetera. Since then, I have swung on many swings and had several helpings of ice cream, as well as a hiatus to the lovely area of Asheville, North Carolina, with an attractive travel companion that makes me giggle like an idiot hyena. Evidence of our adventures over the long weekend to follow.

You knew he was going to be involved, didn't you?

I try to be cute.

Okay, so seriously, BEST QUESO I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. So frickin' good.

Saturday and Sunday we spent some time wandering around downtown Asheville. This is a shot of the Basilica of St. Lawrence.

We tried to go in for a tour of the inside, which is gorgeous, and ended up almost upsetting a communion-in-process. So the inside tour will happen on a day where we won't be blaspheming in front of several hundred people.

This weekend was the LAAFFest in Asheville-- the Lexington Avenue Arts & Fun Festival. It was a big street fair with vendors and performances and more than enough costumed characters to please my people-watching fancy.

One of the bands playing the festival on Saturday. LAAFF was a festival celebrating all local talent and artisans.

These guys might have been my favorite. They were a fantastic jazzy-bluegrassy-folk band that kept showing up all over the festival, and their outfits were so crazy and fabulous. Their name? "The Big Nasty."

Asheville has a lot of fantastic 'building art.' I wish I could pull off purple eyeshadow like that.

This guy is known as 'the bottlecap man.' Seeing as how his entire vehicle is permanently covered in them.

This guy. Those are knives he's juggling.

Refer to the picture above. Didja notice his shoes? Legit.

More neat art.

Best. Bus. EVAR!

It def says "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" on the front. You know you want one of these.

That is a pirate. With a parrot. It spoke perfect English.

This band was pretty awesome. Please note the Dorothy costume the guitarist is sporting.

Lots o' folk.

This might be my new favorite store ever.

Another fantastic little trio! They were pretty groovalicious.

Altered perspective paintings for the win.

This is my favorite mural downtown. Who doesn't love a good dancing man with awesome quotes on a wall?


This guy had the same idea I did.

Gorgeous Saturday night sunset.

On Sunday afternoon, we headed back up to the Blue Ridge Parkway for a nice scenic drive and a short hike.

Pre-hike, the skies are overcast and the wind is chilly. But it felt so nice and brisk outside!

The Man took me to a family-favorite of his, Graveyard Fields. This area of terrain has trails that wind undernearth crooked foliage toward a strip of rock-strewn waterfalls.

We're real hikers. Maybe.

The journey begins! The first half of the path is a really beautiful secluded winding one that snakes through the scraggled canopy above. It felt like going underground in a fairy tale.

There's a mountain to sea to see! I mean, what?

We're getting close to the falls!

Mini fall!

Desktop background, anyone?

SHABAM!!! Isn't it so gorgeous? The rocky cliff-face goes up and around, so this is just the lower half of the falls. And that water definitely felt like it was in the lower 40s.

And even though it was freezing, we swam in this amazing pool anyway. We were blue and numb afterward, but so invigorated.

Pre-swim.

Post-swim. SO COLD.

Post-hike. What a beautiful and relaxing way to end the weekend. (Geez, do we look related or what?)

So there ya have it, folks!

It was such a lovely weekend. I wish we could have stayed in Asheville longer, but alas, I have work this week and an audition to prepare for on Saturday. On Friday, before heading up to North Carolina, we stopped at Berry to visit some friends and professors and I have a "damage control" voice lesson with the Goddess Of Song who is my vocal coach, and she helped me to stretch the limits of my voice, feel out where my 'walls' are, and pick a better song for the audition. We rehearsed it and she told me that she'd definitely heard me sound better, but that my voice was more than acceptable for the audition. I just hope I can rock it out during those two and half minutes on stage, and then spend the rest of the day clutching my throat in pain. The Goddess Of Song and I are going to do some research for ENT doctors who actually work with singers, rather than this "welp guess ya just gonna hafta deal with it" guy that I've been seeing. I've been taking it easy this week, drinking a lot of hot tea, keeping my volume and my speech time to a minimum. Here's hoping.

I am officially in countdown mode to the weekend--I have my shoes, I have my dress, I have my make-up and my resumes, I have my itinerary, my plan for when I need to be where and what I need to be wearing, et cetera. I'm going to be putting the finishing touches on all of my portfolios and stuff tonight and tomorrow. And my new business cards and post cards arrived just in time, too! I'll post pics of those, as I am quite proud of them, tonight or tomorrow. I may even post a photo of my audition outfit and get some votes on whether you guys think it's classy and fabulous enough.

Having a weekend away, especially one where I got to have quality time with the Boyfriend, shop around with crazy Asheville people, and swim in a pool beneath a breathtaking waterfall, was just what I needed to survive this week. I'm in a good mood. I'm doing everything I can to fight the what if doubts that always accompany big auditions and try to knock my confidence. But you know what? I am healthy, I am whole, and I am worth it. I am me. I am going to have an awesome time getting to know other professionals and taking workshops from the very best in the biz and it's going to be a very necessary and eye-opening learning experience for me, and for that, I am so thankful.

I'll keep you guys posted as the week goes on. T-minus two and half days and counting!

Guest Blogging Is All The Rage

2011-09-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Hello all!

I am back from my short hiatus and will be posting a lovely photograph-filled post about all of that as soon as Blogger understands my need for faster photo uploading, but in the meantime I thought I'd share with you my opportunity to do a guest post for the fantastic Tori over at Crabbily Ever After! Tori just got married (woot woot!) and is off fighting polar bears and moose in Alaska with her new hubby on their honeymoon and she needed some guest bloggers to come share the love. Check out what I wrote for her and the other awesome blogs from her other guests!

To Be Still And Know

2011-08-31T12:12:00.000-04:00

Today, I am focusing on stillness.

Just being is something I occasionally take for granted. We all do it; we're so busy, we micromanage to a fault, we fill our calenders to over-flowing just because we can. In a world where the quick-and-efficient assembly line is king and where instant skyrockets to success are sought after like the last crescent roll at Thanksgiving dinner, we often allow ourselves to get swept along in the current of our schedules. All of a sudden it's our routines happening to us, rather than us actively participating in our routines. And we let things slip.

We don't get enough rest. We don't get enough me-time. We have less opportunity to spend doing what we want with the people we want. A quiet weekend at home in your PJs is almost unheard-of. Time starts to roll into one large blur that passes by in a glance, and before you know it a whole season has passed you by and you can't remember a damn thing about where you were or what you did that was meaningful.

Combine this go-go-go mentality with a fear of failure and stagnation and you have an instant recipe for a good 'ole fashioned Crash And Burn.

It is the last day of August.

I graduated college almost nine months ago.

I feel like I have very little to show for it.

I left school after 4.5 years with basically a double-major that I had created for myself with the bright shining hope that I would get to do something with it. I put an awful lot of expectations on myself: I had time lines figured out for when I wanted to move out of my parents' house, when I wanted to have a job working in theatre, when I wanted to move away from Atlanta, when I wanted to enroll in graduate school, when I wanted to make a return trip to Harry Potter World, et cetera. I have calenders and planners and post-its and notebooks and binders full of plans and notes and dates and dollar amounts. I am always working. I spend all day at work. I come home and immediately begin "my other job:" applying for the arts position, submitting for the audition, researching new material for the audition, updating the resumes, working on the website, practicing my singing, running through my monologues that I have on hand, et cetera. I schedule full weekends every weekend, I am always out running around, doing something, there's never a night where I'm able to just sit and be free from a schedule.

I have over-booked myself.

The full weight of this realization has been slowly dawning on me in the past few days. As the second prescription for my voice has now come and gone and again not helped me one iota, I spent last night in sporadic fits of tears, feeling so unsure and tired and worn out, certain now that the audition next weekend is going to be ruined because I can barely speak at a normal volume, much less change pitch, and I might as well just kiss the dream of grad school (for the immediate future, anyway) goodbye. I was sitting on the couch with my mom, watching the end of an episode of Law & Order: SVU, when I started confessing my fears to her about not being well enough to sing. She listened and let me blubber a little bit. Then she turned to me and said, "I think you need more rest. I think you need to relax more. You are doing too much."

It was as if the idea had never occurred to me before that moment.

I'm doing too much.

My body is aware of it and it's worn out and it's showing.

The hard part is actually believing what she said. Really? I'm doing too much? Most days I feel as if I am not doing enough. I feel like I waste time every day, sitting at a desk for a job that I don't enjoy, and then there aren't enough hours in the evenings for me to do everything else I want to get done, so I end up staying up late and sleeping fitfully, never quite waking up feeling rested. I know I'm not eating as well as I could, though I do make attempts; I'm not making time in my schedule to exercise every day like I want to, so most of the time I am hunched over a computer, eyes screwed up at the screen, typing furiously, my body bent and mostly immobile. I know that that isn't healthy; I long for a physical release, a day in the studio, time and space to breathe and move and dance it out.

I need to be still, and know.

Know that I am who I am.

That I am not perfect.

That there are things outside of my control that I cannot change.

That I am not a failure just because all of my dreams haven't come true yet.

I need to be.

Just be.

It's time I took some of the pressure off of myself. As most of us are, I am truly my own worst critic, and when I don't get something done the 'ideal way' that I think I should be able to do it, then I feel weak and inferior and like I'm not as good as I'm kidding myself that I am. What happened to hard work and perseverance? What happened to slow-and-steady-wins-the-race? What happened to my sense of sanity and reality? My sense of self-worth and self-value? It's a scary thing to realize that you haven't been taking care of yourself, that perhaps the outward signs of stress (such as swollen vocal cords) might even be your own fault. I do actually love myself. I have good self-esteem, at least most of the time, and I like who I am. I put so many demands on myself because I truly believe that I should be able to handle it. Maybe therein lies the problem--my perception of what I am capable of is skewed. That's another scary thought.

And maybe it's not so much that I am 'incapable.' Maybe it's just that I'm not balancing the work with the play, the uphill with the downhill. If anyone were to ask my advice on this subject, I would be the first to tell them that making time for yourself is so important, that you have to give yourself time off without demands in order to be able to function during the stressful stuff. And here I am, completely ignoring my own advice.

I am so thankful for all of the thoughtful comments I received on my last post. I am so thankful for a family that, even if they drive me crazy, they see me well enough to be able to say that they care about me and that they think I need to relax more. I am thankful for a best friend and boyfriend who will stay up with me while I cry, almost uncontrollably, because my throat hurts so badly I don't even want to swallow. He confirmed what my mother had said only half an hour earlier. "You are always doing something. Every day, you are always working. You aren't taking any time for you."

So I start today.

Taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. Already I'm getting that I'm-late rushed feeling, like I've forgotten to do something important. I'm focusing on breathing deeply. I'm staying as quiet as possible, giving my voice and spirit the rest it desperately needs. I'm thinking back to my World Religions class from last fall, to the meditation doctrines encouraged by the Dalai Lama. I'm imagining I am in a somatics class with my dance teacher, and I'm focusing on targeting all the tension in my body and then letting it all drip away, off my skin and into the earth. I am holding fast to the two images of what freedom means to me in my heart: water and flight. I am swept up by the wind, caressed by a wave, made new through a baptism of sea and air. I am returning to my place of peace and reverence.

I will see these cliffs in person one day.

I wanted to leave you with something that I was gifted with by a friend at just the right time last night. A dear friend and brother of mine sent a group of our friends this video as an encouragement, and watching it right before I feel asleep helped to cement the mentality that I have just shared with you in this post. I hope you find as enlightening and wonderful as I did.

Sigh.

2011-08-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

This is it, you guys.

This is a time of trials and testing and waiting.

It fully hit me earlier today when I was driving back to work from getting lunch at home. I was listening to a song on my iPod, one of the selections I would sing for my Rocky Horror audition on Wednesday, and I just couldn't do it. Even trying to sound the song out in my head makes my voice ache. My throat hurts so badly and anything above a slight inside-voice sends me straight into hoarse coughs. The thought that after several weeks of different medicinal treatments and I'm still not any better hit me full in the face: something is wrong with my vocal cords. I don't know what it is and the earnosethroat doctor is not living up to the $35 dollar specialist copay I have to fork over every time I set foot into his office to say, "Hey, so that thing you told me do didn't work. Again. Any more ideas?"

I sent my voice teacher an email last night asking if she had any time to meet with me before the grad school audition to go over my options for the song. She is very graciously making room for me in her schedule this Friday and told me that under no circumstances should I be trying to sing while taking prednisone (the drug of the devil, I tell you) or any type of steroid. Which means that if I trust her judgment (which I absolutely do, with my vocal life) then I will not force myself to audition for Rocky Horror on Wednesday, only one day after stopping the prednisone regimen. Thinking about that this afternoon just kind of sent me into a helpless feeling of shock. Here it is again, another amazing show opportunity that I have to willingly pass by with a wave, as my body failure gets the best of me. I started crying in the car from frustration just thinking about it.

I feel so impaired.

As a performer, finding strength and harmony in your body and in your voice are how you communicate, it's how you tell the stories. I can't audition for a musical if I can't sing. I can't show up to read for a play if I cough every time I attempt to project to the back of the room. It even hurts to talk on the phone.

What is wrong???

So that's when it really started to sink in: this is one of those waiting periods in life where certain things that are out of my control are raining down over me and I have to find the will to pick myself up and trudge forward through the rain to higher ground, regardless of the cold and the wind and the constant chilly battering of uncertainty and disappointment.

I want out. I miss the liberating feeling that I had while in school, that nothing but beautiful opportunity lay ahead of me. Now, out of college, looking towards grad school, I feel so cut off and alone.

I feel so trapped by my job and my pay scale that it's very difficult to see a point where I can move out of my house and claim a freedom all my own.

Even my freedom of speech is truncated.

Sorry for the pity-party-post today, folks. I'm not really sure what more I can say other than I'm realizing that I'm having to let go of a lot of "sure things" that aren't so sure anymore, and it's cutting me to the quick. I've been so focused on going, on leaving, and getting gone that I think I've missed a step: before I can leave on a jet plane, I have to learn that there is still room for growth and change here at home. There is still room for a bit of discovery and yes, perhaps, even a dash of contentment, before I fly the nest and chase after Icarus. Maybe this unfortunate turn of events that leaves me (literally) speechless has found its way into my life at just the right-wrong time; it will force me to slow down and look around me, maybe even concentrate on living my life while I'm still here. While I can, for a moment, appreciate the irony and subtle poetry in that, it also hurts me to the core, that the Universe might deem me 'unfit' to move forward, and therefore put a physical roadblock in my path, forcing me to stop and at least acknowledge the roses by the wayside.

What a juxtaposition. I'm not the best at playing the waiting game.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

All I can think is Help, God. Please--just... help.

I feel so impaired. Disabled, in a small way. Not cut out for finding an alternative to my dreams when I fail. And that makes me feel weak. Like I'm pathetic for not being able to have a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity. And how selfish am I being right now? So what if my vocal cords are swollen? Worse things to happen to people every second of every day around the world. My situation still sucks on its own, but it could be so much worse. And I feel like a huge whiny failure when I allow it to get the best of me like this. Crying in the car while Mumford & Sons plays on my iPod, windows down so I can feel the wind sweep the saline water from my cheeks. It is at once is a relief to let the tears flow and allow the flood of disappointment hit my heart, and then in the next second I am ashamed of it.

I hope all of you are having a much better Monday than the one that decided to happen over here in my corner of the globe. Everything at work has been going wrong today, as if Monday decided that it hadn't royally screwed up enough things for this company already, it was going to take it out on us this week.

If you have any swift butt-kicks to my confidence booster lying around, feel free to send 'em my way. A good hearty "buck up, private" with a touch of tough love might just be what I need to shake this self-pitying funk.