20SB Blog Swap And Advice To Last The Ages

Happy Wednesday, folks!

So here's the scoop:  20SB (20-Something Bloggers) decided to have this fancy blog swap thing where we enter and get randomly partnered with another blogger, swapping audiences for the day as it were, and you are about to be showered with the grace and wonder that can only be offered by a guest blogger such as Lara from cLARAfications.  I should probably cLARAfy (heh heh, see what I did there?? such a nerd) that 20SB originally told us to write about summer! but we both decided we had better ideas.

If you'd like to learn more about Lara's bottomless well of wit and intellect and her ever-increasing superiority in the realms of Snark, then head on over to her blog and check her out (she's also quite attractive--all the best ones are, really).  You can also read my slightly unorthodox 'how-to' post on her blog. 

So without further delay, I present to you "How To Become A Famous Actress" by Lara!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I decided to compose this blog post as an open letter to Ms. Emma K. Harr.  Because I drank a lot of wine tonight (thanks, new roommate), and I think I'm being classy.

I'm also going to give you this WARNING:  This blog post may be unintelligible.

Ok. Here it goes.

Dear Emma K. Harr, Actprnr. (<-- abbreviation for "actrepreneur" which isn't a word and I love words that aren't words),

So you wanna be an actress, huh?  Sweet.  You're in Georgia.  You can be on Vampire Diaries.  (<-- They film there. Look it up.)

But for realsies.  I'm from LA.  So I know exactly what you need to become an awesome famous actress.  And it's this:

1. A strong arm:  Not like a pimp arm that you have to keep strong, but rather a strong arm for holding trays while you're a Hospitality Associate (<--waitress).

2. Improv classes: Sew yew can be liek sewww silllayyyy and hilarious and end up on SNL because everyone who takes improv classes totes makes it.

3. Coke: It's the only way you can consume more than 50 calories a day and not be Hollywood Fat (= Katherine Heigl (<-- Also the definition of a Hollywood Bitch)).  And please make sure to not be able to get pregnant and then complain about it on either E! or Bravo (yes, I am talking to you AnoRancic and Rachel Zoe)

4. A vagina: Otherwise you're an actor.  Or Ru Paul.  

5. A manager: Not an agent. No. Manager first. Get someone to manage your nonexistent career and tell you you're going to make it and take a percentage of absolutely nothing before you even have an agent to help you get jobs.  It's the way to go.

6. A vagina: To have sex with casting directors and actual directors and second and third grips that tell you they're directors.

7. Boobs: For C-grade porn stars to put their weiners in between during shoots that you're doing to pay your rent.

8. A back-up soul: For the one you're going to sell to the devil.

9. Boobs: The fake ones you're going to have to buy once you become a reality star that wants to eventually become an actress.  Make sure they go beyond any semblance of attractiveness and normalcy and reach the brink of the paranormal (<-- Heidi Montag.  She was in a movie.)

10. New uterus: I read Emma's blog and it sounds like she just needs one in general (<-- Apologies for the sarcasm.  If we could tradesies uteri (<--- OH MY GOD THE PLURAL OF UTERUS IS UTERI I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN THAT WORD BEFORE) I would totally do it.).

I hope this helps.  And I'll look for you (<-- no I won't) on Vampire Diaries (<-- because I don't watch it).

Sincerely,

Me